End of My Rope

Dangling from the end of my rope

I grit my teeth and shout ‘Nope!’

Not sure if I should climb or let go

I’ve had it and I’m over it, yet I cling

Too overwhelmed with anger to do much of anything

I hold on until the storm passes

With you around, the air clears at the pace of molasses

You dump your shit on me like I’m a diaper on your ass

I’ve been in this dynamic my whole life, and I’m ready to be free at last

Malady and Remedy

The ache in my heart has been there for as long as I can remember.

My heart felt lonely, unworthy of love, not good enough, unimportant and overlooked by my family throughout my childhood.

From adolescence onward, following the recipe that seemed to work so well in fairy tales, I placed high hopes on romantic relationships to fill the void in my heart.

Yet those relationships fell short every time: I stumbled into one relationship after another and not knowing how to build a healthy or lasting connection, I left each lover in turn, staining the ground beneath our feet with broken hearts.

The ache feels like tension, a painful longing, a sad wound that stubbornly refuses to heal.

And yet, it is the fertile ground from which my motivation and creativity spring forth.

It is the place where I lean in tenderly and discover that instead of lacking in love from outside sources, I am an embodiment of love itself.

I finally realize that I am the love of my life, which feels happy and freeing.

I have never been lacking in love, I only believed that to be true.

With all my heart, I hope you feel loved too.

I hope you know that you are everything you need: you are your own remedy.

Life Partner

I used to think that chemistry was all that was needed between my partner and I: a friendly love, an adventure-pal, a handshake of desirable genetic traits to pass on to our offspring.

How little I knew, how shortsighted my view. Without a clear idea of what I was looking for, how could I know if I found it?

I know now that a life partner is by default a business partner, a co-pilot as you navigate life, and where would you like to go? Your partner’s finances are yours, no matter how much you’d like them to be separate. Their mistakes with money, past, present and future, become yours. Their credit score will impact where and when you can or cannot purchase important things, such as a home, for your family.

Their habits insidiously become yours, and the vices they partake of easily enter your body once they are in your immediate environment.

Their mental health impacts yours. Their language rubs off on you: the ideas they buy into become your incessant background noise, taking up your mental space whether you want them to or not. The risks they take are also your risks. Do they honor how much you value safety?

Their religious beliefs will take up room in your home and your family’s schedule. Do they accept your spiritual practice? How do they differ from you in their approach to disciplining and raising children?

My unsolicited advice to those seeking a long term partner is to carefully consider your potential mate’s financial, mental and physical wellbeing as it is now, because it is unlikely to change.

Do they behave in ways which slightly irk you? How quickly those hairline cracks become gaping canyons that seem impossible to bridge.

Do they spend as you try to save? Do they make a mess as you try to clean up? Do they buy processed food when you’re trying to optimally nourish yourself, thus derailing your health efforts?

How do they show you that they listen, that they care, or that they respect you? How do they hold space for you, how do they contribute to the relationship, how do they give? How graciously do they accept your love, and demonstrate appreciation for you? How do they celebrate you?

Do they belittle you, torment you with their jealousy and insecurity, give you a hard time about the past, violate boundaries and deny you privacy?

How often do they make you laugh? Do they give you more energy than they take? Are they a net positive in your life?

Chemistry will rapidly fizzle and fade in the face of unresolvable differences. After the initial attraction dissipates, what will you be left with other than a near stranger undeservingly holding the title of your ‘Spouse’?

Due to your upbringing, the resources you have had access to, and the amount of stress you’ve been under up until now, I understand completely if you marry the absolute worst partner for you, because in an act of cruel self-punishment, I certainly did. However, my life sentence doesn’t have to last life long, because we each hold tremendous power in our lives and our relationships, if we are willing to be our own heroes and take the hard steps we know that we must in order to live our best lives. We can grow, change, and bravely forge new paths to create a better future for ourselves. It would be criminal not to.

In the event that you are with a partner who is no longer serving you, may you thank them for the sacred lessons they have taught you regarding self-love, inherent worthiness and how much you deserve to feel loved and at ease. May you forgive yourself, may you rest assured that you are not alone, and may you employ all available tools to improve your situation.

You are your own life partner. You are with yourself through sickness and health, through richer and poorer, through better and worse. May you love and cherish yourself. May you show yourself love, even if you’re not yet sure what that looks like.

The Questions

These are the questions I wish I’d asked my husband before marrying him:

How much have you saved up to provide for your family? (I know it seems distasteful to ask about money right out of the gate, however this speaks to your ability to plan and how highly you prioritize your future family)
What is your debt and what is your plan to get out of debt?
What is the most severe criticism you ever received?
Do you think the aforementioned criticism was warranted and if so, why? Did you change anything about your behavior in response to the feedback?
How many stars would your exes give you if they ranked you as a partner on a Yelp review and why?
What is or was your relationship with your parents like?
What is or was your relationship with your siblings like?
What is your relationship with your friends like?
What traumas (remote and recent) have you experienced?
What have you done to heal from the aforementioned traumas?
What assets do you own? Are your assets useful here and now or are you holding on to them in the event that they may become potentially useful in the future?
What objects that are no longer serving you do you continue to hold on to and why?
What emotional pain do you continue to hold on to and why?
Have you ever stalked a previous or potential partner?
How would you describe yourself?
What are you most proud of?
What are you most ashamed of?
Who did you vote for in the most recent election and why?
Is or are your vehicle(s) insured, inspected and registered?
What is your criminal history?
What do you do that is unsafe? Do you plan to continue to behave in unsafe ways once you have a family?
Do you reliably know where your phone, wallet, keys and other small but important objects are?
How well do you adult, ie handle responsibilities, paperwork, organization, pay bills, meet deadlines, budget, listen, own up to your mistakes, and respond to conflict with emotional intelligence?
What are your strengths?
In what areas do you need improvement and what are you doing to work on yourself?
Why should I consider a relationship with you? How could my life benefit by having you in it?
What substances (legal or illegal) do you use and why?
What misogynistic or sexist beliefs do you hold? What ideas do you have about gender roles?
How will you provide for your family?
What will you do to contribute to the work of the household?
Are you pleasant to travel with?
How do you handle not getting your way?
What is an example of a time that you compromised or refused to compromise and why?
In what ways are you mature?
In what ways are you immature?
What do you like to do in your free time?
How do you forgive yourself for mistakes?
How do you forgive others for their mistakes?
What are your expectations for yourself as a partner?
What are your expectations for your partner?
Describe your parenting and discipline styles.
Are you willing to listen to professional advice on finances, parenting and relationships and change your behavior based on professional recommendations?
If you have a habit that harms your relationship (such as speeding while driving, phone addiction, not following through on agreements, and being irritable), are you willing to change your behavior in order to preserve your marriage?
How do you react when people take advantage of you?
What percentage of the family’s financial expenses (gas, food, childcare) do you plan to cover?
How will you show respect and love to your family?
What outings or trips do you look forward to going on with your family?
How do you plan to handle issues of marital conflict, crisis or disharmony?
How will you handle your wife being different from you in her spiritual beliefs?
What do you think will be the hardest parts about being married to you, and what will you do to help ease those difficulties for your partner?
Have you ever been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease? If so, which one and did you receive appropriate treatment? When was the last time you were tested? How often do you get tested? Have you had any intimate partners since the last time you received testing?
How would you rank your self esteem or confidence on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most confident?
Have you been marinating in your own scrotal sac? What does the term ‘toxic masculinity’ mean to you? Are you in touch with your inner goddess? Do you feel a need to ‘prove your manliness’?
What are your goals for the next 5-10 years?
What are the 5 most important aspects of your life?
What are the 5 least important aspects of your life?
What does respect look like to you?
What are your core values?
Will you take care of your family’s needs prior to taking care of the needs of strangers?
In what ways are you like your dad?
In what ways are you like your mom?
In what ways are you like your siblings?
In what ways are you like your friends?
How would you feel if your child had a partner like you and why?
What do you consider to be your most important responsibilities as a parent?
What do you consider to be your most important responsibilities as a partner?
What is your ideal vacation and why?
What would you title your autobiography?
In what ways do you practice self-care?
How do you feel about doing housework? What chores do you perform and how often?
What meals do you know how to prepare? Are you willing to learn new recipes?
How will you overcome your selfish desires to accomplish what your family needs?
What sacrifices are you willing to make for your family?
What sacrifices are you not willing to make for your family?

Dumpster Fire

When the dumpster fire of my marriage dies down, will I rake anything of value from the coals?

Does a treasure lie at the heart of my molten rage?

I feel so angry, sad, bitter, and disappointed.

Finding the path within the obstacle, I entertain the idea of self-worth, knowing it is the sacred lesson to be gleaned from the struggle.

Almost imperceptibly, a subtle shift occurs; maybe it is my medicine kicking in, but colors appear a little brighter and the world feels a little kinder.

I see where my husband is trying in our marriage even though it feels like far too little, far too late.

How to establish boundaries with a parasite who invades and takes without end?

I cannot change him, I can only change myself.

Every time I think I might catch a breath, he pulls me down again into his underworld of chaos.

It is enough to tire anyone out.

I am not ok with things continuing how they are, I have all but burnt out.

I offer myself to the flames, not knowing where else to go but up.

Eve

I loved you because I loathe myself.

I blindly pushed through the red flags you were covered with, armed with an explanation for every asinine decision.

‘You did what?’ you asked me, eager to pile on the shame men reserve for the women they dishonor with their advances.

I accepted that I made a mistake but I was mistaken that I owed you anything, let alone my life.

By eating apples, I realized that I am the universe experiencing itself.

I am the fruit of the tree of life.

Marriage

I dreamt my husband left me and didn’t say why, like when we fight because I fail to read his mind.

I felt unlovable, alone, afraid, sad, and defeated.

In my dream he was drilling the ceiling above our heads and it created so much dust, noise, and debris that I feared for our lives.

He implied that I should understand his master plan.

Though we may disagree, I woke up with the feeling that my marriage is worth more to me than I thought.

He’s the devil that I know…at least he keeps me out of the horrors of the dating pool, though gentlemanly bachelors seem to abound now that I am married.

I just need to keep the sky from falling in my mind.

Life Sentence

I resigned to do time for my crime,

for all the lies to men and lying with men.

I signed up to marry a man I deemed at the time good enough, instead of great.

I felt guilty for my misdeeds, even the alleged ones he still suspects to this day.

Somehow I thought that a life of serving him might come close to redeeming the rough beginnings of our relationship:

a messy row of dominoes of cheating and lying.

Why do I feel that I owe him anything, after he has taken so much and given so little?

How can I build a strong marriage on a foundation of deception and shame?

It was harsh to give myself a life sentence.

The Way

I heard today that the obstacle is the way.

So true, and yet, how difficult.

I know what I must do, and yet, I don’t.

I remain married to a man-child who drags me down in every way: he drains my finances with his selfish actions and poor decisions, he uses up my time as I endlessly provide for his needs and clean up after him, and he exhausts my energy with incessant fighting, judging me harshly at every opportunity.

Though likely no one would blame me if I left him, women always get shamed no matter what they do.

Now I have our daughter to consider.

My grandmother said that she stayed married for her children, then her grandchildren, and then felt too tired to do anything new.

That was her path.

My path has a long way to go still.

I see the pixie dust sprinkled amidst the pebbles and pine needles.

Opening myself to the unknown, I sparkle back.

The Spill

Torn between love and money, I watch as my hard won earnings bleed into the streets with each frivolous purchase made by my husband, who is indifferent to my suffering.

I panic and feel weak, disoriented and dizzy from shock and ongoing loss.

I fantasize about divorce, then gather myself and remind myself that I have survived worse, that I have more savings now than I’ve ever had before, as humble as my life is at present.

Ever industrious, I set to stitching my wounds.

I don’t want to be lonely and rich, but in my marriage I currently feel lonely and poor because my husband is not on my team and he squanders the fruits of my labor.

I’m not sure how I will ever clean up this flood, other than going upstream and turning off the overflowing faucet.