Guys I’ve Dated

I’ve dated guys whose eyes watered from the burn of undiluted wasabi

Thinking they were Japanese cuisine purists, they were only fooling themselves

He judged others for cutting off their chi from wearing their socks too tight while his own panties were in a bunch

He took me to a restaurant where the jazz was so loud we couldn’t hear ourselves

He didn’t intend to listen to me anyway, I found out later that night

I’ve dated guys I could only wash down with an unhealthy amount of alcohol

Guys who made gourmet meals taste bland with their predatory presence

I’ve dated guys who tried to shame and control me

They must feel so ashamed and out of control themselves

I was never into that scene

I’ve dated guys who believed their suffering was unique, artists who didn’t want to feel understood

I’ve dated guys who made me feel special for a time, until I realized that they only wanted me to make them feel special

They didn’t see me as a person, but a tool to be used, an addiction to leave them unsatisfied

I’ve dated guys who drank too much and called out for me in the middle of the night like a babe to its mother

Like a mother to a babe, I gave them my teat

The narcissistic and manipulative, the accusatory and dramatic

Guys who implied suicide if I ever left their side, yet somehow they are still living

Guys who stalked me and threatened me with their bodies

I prayed for boundaries

My man isn’t like those other guys

But he wants to know how many, and why

All I can do is bask in relief and sigh

Grateful, deeply grateful

In Case I Die Early

In case I die early

From the virus which I will be in close contact with for the foreseeable future

Rest assured that I lived a full life

I was intermittently enlightened, and there is no higher bliss than that

It took nearly my whole life, but I finally found love

I enjoyed exquisite physical pleasures and the connection of sacred partnership

My mind was often filled with colorful visions and my heart overflowed with music

I wrote wild poetry which I shared only with you, and a great many other things too

If you want to remember my life, take a deep breath and know that you are loved by the universe, that you are love itself

If you want to see me, look up at the sky and trees

If you want to hear my voice, listen to the river and the birds singing

If you want to feel me, place your hand over your heart, and know that we are not far apart

If I don’t die early, I’ll keep creating my visions to promote vibrant healing

But in case I die soon, I wanted you to know that I go peacefully, though I long to see my family and turn my dreams into reality to share them with you

Take care of yourselves, and each other

Take care of Mother Earth

You are supported by spirit with every breath

My Secrets

Here are some of my secrets:

I was abused as a child in every way                                                                                      Though my family is easily mistaken as near-perfect to this day                                                The worst repercussion is that the abuse robbed me of my voice                                              Left me without a sense of power or choice

After puberty I found that sex work fit seamlessly with my skill-set                                         It was the most livable wage I’ve earned yet                                                                                   But I didn’t feel like I was living when I only lived for money
As an adult I entered and survived a series of unhealthy relationships                                    Though it took abortions to help cut the ties                                                                                    I still fear that my exes will come after me                                                                                     And have nightmares about them at night

I feel like I’ve dodged a whole battle-field of bullets
Because I am happy at the moment and not pregnant
I am grateful that I don’t have any kids
Because I am just now learning how to take care of myself
I am stunned that I’ve never had an STD
At least that I know of, although the jury is still out after my latest round of poor decisions (unprotected sex: what is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I’m recovering from a brutal upbringing that trained me to please others in order to survive; I shut-down in silence although I want to scream ‘NO!’).

Insert compassion here, and self-observation without judgement.

I remember thinking, ‘there must be angels in my vagina’ when I tested negative for HIV
After half of America had had sex with me without condoms
I was a staunch atheist at the time
But the miracle awoke in me a sense of the divine
I feel like I swam through miles of sewage and came out clean on the other side

The secret that I am searching for
Is how to heal my mind
I wish I could forget all the traumatic memories from my life
Because they get in the way
Resurfacing at inconvenient times when I am trying to get through the day
There are so many traumas

All I can do is breathe into them when they arise
Observe them for what they are
Listen to them, and learn from them

But damn, that’s a lot of trauma for one life
Remembering it is the worst part
Because the pain perpetuates without an end in sight
And my heart goes to the races every night
I try to tell it, ‘Whoa, slow down’
But the gun goes off and there is no turning back,
thundering around the track

The secret is, there is no secret that I know of to recover from trauma
I only hope that the amount of rape I’ve endured in my life means that I’ve taken a hit for the team, so that other women experience it less, as it no secret that, ‘one out of four women will be raped in her lifetime.’  Which I believe is an under-estimate.
In my case, most of the rapes involved unspoken non-consent
Or lack of ‘enthusiastic consent’, which is a term I recently learned and want to share.

Evening is falling now
And calling me with
Smoke and fire crackers and divine secrets

Now I know that whenever I have a PTSD flashback, I must remind myself that I am safe, loved, and worthy.

My sense of being loved by the universe will outlast all my doubts and panic attacks.

Take what you no longer need and offer it to the divine.

Give back the toxic energy that people poured onto you, and take back your own beautiful, sacred energy.

Cut the ties which bind you to that which you never wanted, so that you may more fully feel that which you desire, which is within you, which has always been within you and always will be.