Trapped Truth

He demands the truth from me

I want to tell him but I don’t think he wants to hear

That his fears are both false and true

What’s a battered girl to do

You prod and poke

I divert and joke

Gasping for air under the heaviness in my heart

You want to know my story, where to start?

You can learning everything there is to know

Without asking questions, simply observe

I’m trying to move on from the past

Why do you bring me back

How many times will you bring me back?

I know he knows in his heart

The truth of the depths of my womb

Truth trapped in my mouth like a tomb

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Please don’t judge me for being a sex worker in order to make ends meet

You taught me how to dissociate from my body, how to put other’s wants ahead of my needs

You were my first violator and my first pimp

Remember molesting me at night throughout my childhood and adolescence?

You opened the floodgates for countless rapes

Remember forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do my whole life?

Pimping me out to abusive children who you ‘felt sorry for’ because they did’t have any friends

The reason why they didn’t have any friends is because they weren’t good friends. Like you, they were trapped in abuse

Oscillating between abuser and abused

Remember commanding me yet never asking or listening?

I told you I was depressed, you told me I was not

The middle school guidance counselor called you to pick me up from school because I was suicidal-

All you did was yell at me

You found out I was a sex worker by violating my privacy

You yelled at me to respect myself

Yet you never respected me and actively taught me to disrespect myself

How can you expect me to fly when all you ever did was drag me down and break my wings

You raised me in poverty

Gave me no financial resources, no guidance

I was hungry, I had textbooks to buy and rent to pay

You want to take credit for my success

I became who I am in spite of you, not because of you

Though I see the crucial role you played

At the end of the day all I can say is namaste

My Yoga Teacher

My yoga teacher said

May you live in the heart
May you light up the dark
May you live in the now
May you flow with the Tao
May you bless up
And never come down

My yoga teacher said,
‘Our generation is the smartest one yet, we have all the information we could ever need at our fingertips, yet we still aren’t enlightened- we can’t take 3 steps without melting down’.

True, however:

What I wanted to say to my yoga teacher after class, but didn’t due to my lingering shyness was that we are in the process of becoming enlightened, and yoga teachers are an important part of the sacred process of enlightening others, whether they realize it or not:

One by one, enlightened people share their light with others
As if passing a flame from candle to candle
The glow grows without end, multiplying infinitely.

Sharing our inner light with our fellow beings does not diminish our own glow, but builds a safety net in case our own flame is temporarily blown out- we have a friendly neighbor with a bright source to rekindle us again.

Because we have paid it forward, we have propagated a culture of generosity and abundance.

Let your light shine.

Yoga is a key part of my healing journey. It has changed my relationship with myself and with the world.

To my yoga teacher, I bow in deep gratitude for how they share their light with the world.

To all teachers everywhere across time and space; thank you, and namaste.

Little Prayer

I humbly offer a little prayer
For the little life
That grew inside me for a while
They were due to be born yesterday

I think it was a girl
I will never know for sure
Not knowing is part of the price I pay for ending the pregnancy
How I would have loved to love her

Unbeknownst to me at the time of conception, her daddy was not fit to raise a baby with
Nine weeks later, he made it apparent that I needed to have nothing to do with him        In order to protect my own wellbeing

At the same time, I lacked the socioeconomic resources
to have the baby without him
So I gave her up, though I struggled to pay for the abortion

I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to Planned Parenthood, the Women’s Action Fund, and the many strong, generous advocates of women’s rights around the world. Thank you.

To the ignorant people and policies that get in the way of women accessing the health care they need, to those who do harm by being obnoxious obstacles to women’s rights, and to the health insurance companies that don’t cover jack shit of abortive care, I would like to express a sincere ‘Fuck You’.

Ending my pregnancy was a tough choice
But I’m glad I made it
It was the best decision for me
I am happier, healthier and freer now because of it

Still, in my mind’s eye I see her sweet eyes
Whisper in her little ears, caress her soft curls
Hold her little fingers and the tiniest of toes
In my imagination, I kiss her cheeks and her nose
I hear her laughter and her cries
I delight in the chubby rolls of her baby thighs

I hope you understand, little life
That your mama did the best she could
With what she had at the time

I bow in deep respect to you
With compassion and gratitude
Beaming always peace and love to you

From the spiritual realm, little life, I’m sure you can see clearly how                                                  Pro-choice is pro-life; pro-women’s lives                                                                          Women’s lives matter                                                                                                                       My abortion allowed me to give birth to my own life                                                                   I am so fortunate to live the life that I want                                                                                 To make decisions about my body                                                                                                  To be free

I pray that all women may know this freedom                                                                             If I had kept the pregnancy and given birth yesterday, I would have raised my child to value and fight for her freedom of choice                                                                                            So that if she got pregnant she could choose to do what is best for herself

 

Fleeting

Where do ideas come from?
When I get inspired it feels like an itch
Irresistible to scratch but if I don’t promptly act…

Where do ideas go?
Sometimes I get a flash of what appear to be                                                                 profound, brilliant, and wildly creative thoughts                                                                       Just as quickly,  they vanish into thin air
Faster than ice evaporates on a hot day                                                                                 Before I can write them down, they’ve already gone on their way

My brain is beaten down by sleep deprivation and stress
So it makes sense
That it would hold thoughts
As efficiently as a sieve holds water

Still I wonder
Where do ideas come from,
And where do they go?
As they disappear through the door of my conscious mind,
I want to say to them, ‘Thank you, come again’