Mud

I struggle through the mud and muck

Damn near drowning in tears on the way up, or at least in the direction I hope is up

The dark is disorienting, I don’t know which way to go and I am afraid, with barely room to breathe

At the same time I feel my inner self ready to shine after being smothered by toxic energy for far too long

I now see that my drive to be a perfectionist over-achiever was only fuel for my family to get their narcissistic rocks off, rooted in the fear they incited in me, ancient history

My struggle to maintain control, to implore everyone to adore me just so I can feel somewhat safe for a millisecond is more dire than I realized; not only do I not control those around me, I barely control myself

I feel an ocean of emotions well up inside me

I’m afraid that I will lose control of myself completely, that the long-suffering inner dam will break and words will pour out that will change my core relationships forever, although they could use some change, they never felt right for me but I didn’t know any better until recently.

I am terrified to leave the stifling nest of comfort I wove around myself years ago; formed of countless strands of instructions I garnered through observation, guiding me to say this, not that. Don’t poke the bear. I grew up in a bear’s den; my every action held potential to unleash certain danger on myself if I messed up. I didn’t feel like one of the bears; I did not hold the power to stand and roar, I didn’t know that I was the fiercest of all.

Acupuncture needles penetrate deeper than skin, moving unseen mountains within me

A lifetime of unexpressed outrage held between my tightly clenched jaws, which groan under the sheer stress of it

Growth is painful and lonely

I feel the fire of my desire lit up even while I am still underground

Perhaps I need difficulty in order to blossom

Perhaps nothing was in vain, nothing went to waste

The mud is in the lotus and the lotus is in the mud

Artist

I’m an artist without artistic talent

A visionary with no eye-hand coordination

Keeper of vibrant dreams, seen only by my third eye

I’m a wordsmith suffering from silencing anxiety

Collector of hand-me-down ideas

My vocal road rage surprises me

I’m a better driver when I’m alone

I’m a workaholic with a new year’s resolution

To not work next new year’s day, one long year away

I’m a night owl working day shifts

I’m a closet non-binary person missing her gay best friend

One killed himself, the other I dated

Relationships with friends are ill-fated

Not that I recommend dating strangers either

But at least you won’t lose a friend in the end

I’m a newly married polyamorist

I’m currently in the market for amethyst

I fear hurting others so much that I withhold truth

Thank you for letting me share these self-evident truths with you

Whatever your hopes are for the new year, I hope you receive them

Though things often don’t go the way we want them to

Know that you are enough just as you are, and many people are sharing the struggle alongside you

When feeling trapped and overwhelmed, open the door to liberation

Remember that you are not your thoughts

When in doubt, take a breath

Even while standing, sit and pause

Stranger

City full of edges

Teetering on ledges

Peering over concrete hedges

Struggling to get wedges

Shifty eyes, we fear our shadow

Our imaginations animate demons and damnations

We are our greatest danger

When to ourselves we are a stranger

Float

I tend to scheme for a way out of struggle, but maybe I’ll try a different approach and settle in for a lifetime of learning

Ever adapting, meeting, greeting, innovating

Constantly changing, growing

This life was perfectly imperfect when we arrived

And will remain so after we leave

Work was waiting for us before our birth, and will remain long after our body’s death

So we can relax and float down the river

We don’t have to fight against the current or feel like we are drowning

Floating is what happens when we stop struggling

Soar

This body is my prison

Everybody has a body

Everybody is somebody’s son or daughter or both

Everybody is somebody

I’m tired of trying to be somebody and failing and flailing

When I could shed the skin I’m in

Crack open my ribcage and fly free

I’d let go of my eyes that once gazed into yours and kiss goodbye my lips that once kissed yours

I’d let go of my strength and my softness, my curves and my curls

I’d give up my form, vanities and imperfections

I’ve flirted with suicide my whole life

And spoken of it to no one except the one who pulled it off

I heard his rib cage crack open on the concrete below our college dorm

I understood

Afterward, we sad survivors put on a show- a tragedy!

But he just did what he wanted to

What many of us want to

Those who want to be free from their body know

The temptation to empty the lead from their pockets

And soar

Enlightened AF

You can never get to the end of it, you said about The Divine

Your words drew kaleidoscopic visions in my mind

I used to feel oppressed by poverty

Now I know I was only oppressed by the false beliefs within me

All the riches were always inside me

To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders

Beyond the collapsing walls, the sky is open

I am still tormented by the torrent of my thoughts

Then I think, ‘I don’t belong in anyone else’s head, nor do they belong in mine’

I try to let go of unhelpful thought-patterns

Such as my deep disappointment when I deem myself as less than perfect in every way, which happens multiple times each day

I may not be able to unthink a thought, but I can balance a negative with a positive, I can let the cloud float away without latching on all day

Today I was transported back to the time when I’d jerk off men for pennies on the dime

Now in the context of a trained medical professional providing a form of physical therapy to another doctor

Standing next to the massage table, I felt as if I hadn’t come far even after all the struggle and sacrifice to get out of poverty, to give my kids a better life

I remind myself that I have enough and I am enough

In my humble, imperfect way

I am enlightened AF sometimes

Rock

When struggling through life

I met the waves head-on

Gasping and nearly drowning as adversity slapped me in the face

Dragging down my body and my morale

Slowly, painfully, my ego was chipped away

Now a smoother stone, when the forces come at me

I bunker down in the stream bed

And let them pass over me with intentional non-effort

Challenges will always be a part of life

I used to be a leaf tossed by the wind

Now I embody the ever-present rock within

This is a practice, not a perfect

My ego still protests in victimized shame

I send a softening breath to my hard-headed brain

And soothe myself

You are OK

This is hard

You are doing your best

You are more than perfect: you are human

Humans get to live the beauty of learning from their experiences

Just breathe

Death Certificate

Another day, another death by COVID.

My COVID patient who died today was relatively healthy and young.

While filling out his death certificate, I paused over the ’cause of death’ section:

 

My patient had multi-organ failure with a subsequent cardiac arrhythmia incompatible with life and viral pneumonia causing respiratory failure, however the failure that lead up to his COVID infection was systemic at a societal level.

 

My patient was a prisoner, infected by COVID-19 because he was denied the ability to socially distance, robbed of the right the protect himself.

 

I didn’t know him, but as I studied his body during his final hours I imagined what his life had been like, and wanted to include on his death certificate:

 

Cause of death:

Complications resulting from loss of human rights due to imprisonment

Secondary to the prison-industrial complex

Secondary to class warfare

Secondary to poverty

Secondary to racism

 

I didn’t know him, but I shared pieces of his struggle:

Adverse childhood experiences, trauma on trauma on trauma

 

His premature death is another stone in my pocket

My path is liberation

Wherever his soul is now, I hope he feels liberated too

Liberated from the brown skin which lead to his incarceration which inevitably did him in.

HPV

She told me that I have HPV

Human papilloma virus: the ghost of ex-partners past came back to haunt me

I want to line up my exes: the awkward horn-bag teens, the sex clients who shortchanged and stole from me, the abusive drunks, dramatic douchebags, one-night-too-long one night stands, and interrogate them whodunnit.

I will never know, of course

I may have gotten HPV from dreadful fingering, though it was probably from unprotected intercourse

Intercourse most likely undesired, as most of the sex I’ve had was unwanted by me

It could have been worse, at least it was only HPV which I contracted after riding bareback on so many dozens of dicks- I don’t know now many men have slept with me, but any one of them could have easily given me HIV, somehow I was spared

God, you were there

Kids, don’t try this at home

I tell my cervix to hang in there, I will make it up to you, treat you right

My ex-boyfriends aimed and fired at my cervix: the bullseye of my reproductive tract

Whether I got HPV long ago or from my most recent mistake, it is in me now and I may lose a piece of me in a LEEP if I don’t overcome this virus

My LEEP will be a leap of faith that I will regrow intact and complete, heal myself and still have the power to create and give my baby a better life than mine

That is the goal in all I do, even the abortions I’ve endured were to make a better future for my children than the hell I’ve lived through

So listen little virus, I am a strong, powerful giant and I will destroy you

I’ve survived too much to be taken down by the likes of you- senseless double-strand of DNA who has consumed too many of my sisters, lost to the sands of time

You won’t take me, the war is on and it got personal

There is no way I’m going to let one of those awful men leave a lasting lesion on my body

I am the supreme iron dragon goddess warrior, and my healing potential is infinite

My abilities to love and forgive and understand are among my many strengths

Watch out, virus, watch out

Instead of spreading you to someone new, I will melt you with my amazing body, take you down with my brilliant immune system

You will no longer struggle to survive, you will unite with the Spirit which flows through all things, and you will flow right out of me in peace

 

Vanish

You struggle to breathe

Your lungs groan under the weight of a million cigarettes

Your body will not heal, nor will you allow it to

You prefer to smoke tobacco than to breathe, you tell me

Your liver is hardened

Fluid builds up in your legs, abdomen and lungs

You bleed into your GI tract

Again and again

Requiring dozens of blood transfusions

Until when?

You prefer to drink than to live, you tell me

Your blood harbors viruses and bacteria

Years of IV drug abuse riddle your veins

My eyes draw lines between the scars on your skin

And spell out your pain

Your body is massively obese

You’ve had just desserts

Your blood is dangerously sweet

The food on the menu is not nourishing

With vibrant foods, we could all be flourishing

Instead we are toxic

Now you’re turning hypoxic

Your own body gets in the way of breathing

Rather than a vehicle, your body is your handicap

Too much mass to move

Stumbling, you tumble into my view

Bullet wounds have torn right through you

Senseless violence, what kind of freedom is this?

We reserve the right to die at the hands of another at any time

I want to take all the suffering I see

Concentrate that energy inside me

And use it to wipe away cigarettes and liquor stores,

Smash opioids off the face of the planet, and while I’m at it

Take my magic wand and with a swish banish sugar from our lips

Eliminate weapons with one wish

I’ll water that seed of hope with the tears of those who know, so it will grow

And we shall be sheltered in our old age by the tree planted in our youth

We’ve suffered enough to learn how to thrive in our world- at least we’ve discovered what not to do.

I have a dream that tobacco, alcohol, illicit drugs, processed foods, and guns will vanish.

I realize that this is unlikely to happen for a while, as there are profits to be made and suffering to be had.

Taking into account the billions of healthcare dollars it costs to deal with lung disease, liver disease, drug addiction, diabetes and gun violence, let alone the immeasurable cost of lost lives and poor health, how can we afford to carry on the way we have been?

If a substance is harmful, let it vanish.

Why hold on to that which is no longer serving us?

We can do anything with our infinite human potential.

We alone can change our lives and leave the world better than we found it.

Let’s do what we can before we vanish

Do something today

There is no guide book

Vote with your dollars, your actions, your thoughts

Breathing in gratitude, I thank you