Let every moment be a song from your heart
I was labeled cute
I was labeled sweet
I was labeled shy
My anxiety and depression went unrecognized, intentionally overlooked by those with the power to help me when I was a child. My social anxiety drove me to act as anyone but myself.
My parents had not accepted and confronted their own anxiety and depression, and they trained me to follow their approach to life: suppress your feelings, be only what others want you to be.
I was labeled smart.
I was labeled hard working.
I was responsible.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I took responsibility for everyone else’s feelings. I took care of other children when I was still a child myself.
I was labeled a slut and a tramp by teenage girls.
I was labeled a tease by teenage boys.
I didn’t know how to say no, I didn’t know how to not lose myself in the desires of others.
Sometimes I was glad for the non-verbal language of physical affection, although I was just as incompetent at saying ‘no’ physically as I was verbally.
I was labeled an escort, a call girl, though I was just trying to make ends meet, girl.
I was labeled a graduate, with latin honors.
Though I worked as a prostitute, survived unnumbered abusive relationships, including the abusive relationship with myself, now they call me doctor.
What my patients don’t know is how much I’m still learning everyday- learning how to take care of myself as I ask them to take care of themselves.
In my daily practice of being my best self, I practice un-labeling through non-judgement.
Labels limit our minds.
Labels snap a stagnant picture from the moving scene, robbing us of the limitless possibilities of the present.
Dance with the Devil
I’ve met the Devil plenty of times
He’s a man with a drink in his hand, asking for mine
He’ll buy me a drink and drop a few dimes
But in the end, he’s just another waste of my time
I’ve seen the Devil at close range
I feel his eyes on me; he looks at me strange
When I hesitate to perform his every wish
(Whether or not I know what his wish is)
At first I make him happier than he’s ever felt before
Until I leave his heart panting on the floor
I survive with him til I remember how much I’d thrive without him
Like anesthesia, my amnesia wears off eventually
And when it does it’s like I wake up in the middle of surgery
Open heart in a bloody mess, I struggle to pick myself up and get dressed
Headed for the horizon, under duress, yet determined and strong, I sing my single song
Until I meet my sacred Devil again
And he gives me another chance to burn, another opportunity to learn
How many times must I learn how to get out of a toxic relationship?
Please, let this be the last time
The key lies in prevention, so I laid down a one simple rule:
Never be alone with a man behind closed doors, especially when alcohol is involved
The Devil likes to dance naked with me
His dick points at me like a compass needle
And I’m due-North, though I’d like to head South
His dick feels like a poison mushroom in my mouth
I want to spit it out, and shout:
Devil be gone- we’ve been dancing too long!
My feet hurt and they’re caked with dirt
Haven’t we made each other suffer enough?
Surely, your attachment to me feels rough
When I rip myself away
I’ve ripped myself away from the Devil
Plenty and plenty of times
I hope that I can quit him for life
You are my witness by reading this rhyme
And eventually you may find
That the universe
Holds mirrors up to itself
Is it lonely, vain, or just curious?
Regardless, a seemingly complex image is actually very simple
Once you realize it is all one, rather than countless separate points
When I ask why
It reveals much about my life
Like ‘Why don’t I remember a lot of my childhood?’
‘That’s your first clue!’ my father replied with stern intensity when I first pondered the question out loud
Leaving the mystery to be solved by me
To figure out what happened to me when I was very small
Why must I go it alone? Such a long, hard road Paved with spiritual gem stones
Revealed that the motivating factors Behind my human interactions
Were either fear or love
Perhaps that is why the universe seems divided
By so much space
Upon closer inspection
Fear and Love
Are one and the same
Although to see that
May melt your eyes into the sun
I find that it is worth it To ask why Though the answer is blinding From asking why I see clearly for the first time
Last night I had two dreams
In the first
I dreamt that I was sleeping
My mom came into my bedroom and molested me
The way she did
As usual I felt horrified, humiliated, furious, violated, suffocated
I tried to shake her off but she was still bigger than me
Even after all these years
In my struggle to escape
I woke up
In my own house at last
At least I didn’t wake up to the living nightmare
Of my childhood
Eventually I fell back asleep
And dreamt of an angry man
He thought that I was the cause of his anger
Though I knew that his anger went far beyond me
I tried to hide
To make myself smaller and more silent than I already am
But I was not small or silent enough
He found me and shot me with a gun
Many times in my body and my head
But I kept right on breathing
And felt once again relieved
To wake up alone Instead of wake up to the living nightmare Of my adult relationships with men
When I wake up alone I wake up to peace I wake up to infinite potential I wake up free to be myself I am just now learning Who I am
I know a girl who used to hardly breathe at all
Most of her life she was barely surviving
She felt like she was drowning in plain sight
As tsunami waves of fear crashed all around her
Now she is learning to breathe underwater
Because she remembered that she can do anything She realized that mermaid magic Was hers all along
She has learned that every moment is a prayer And every prayer is a breath And the overwhelming experiences of her life
Are where the pearls of wisdom can be found
Just breathe Yes, you can
I use drugs all the time
In a dizzying balancing act between
‘Eat Me’ and ‘Drink Me’
I grow and shrink
As my energy soars and sinks
I zonk myself out then pep myself up
With sugar and supplements: pills and gummies
Coffee, tea and alcohol rummy
It’s all legal but I wonder
If I am smart or a dummy
Or just trying to do my best
Or failing to do my best
Or just getting by
The best way I know how
Or the only way available right now