Strong

Let’s start where we are

At the end of my rope again

Wanting to kill my body to liberate my spirit

Free myself from the grips of your jealousy

Your hands can’t grasp the air, can’t contain that which is intangible

Only the heart can do that

I want to throw a wrench and stop the drama-go-round with a screeching halt

Would it shake you awake from the illusion of reality?

Would it finally lift your veil?

I have felt hunted by you my whole life

How refreshing to be the one to hold the knife

I want to get out of my own way

I balance a negative thought with a positive one

Remind myself that I create my life each moment through perception, attention, intention

Even now, you are another a poppy in the field, trying to keep me knocked out instead of awake, empowered, enlightened

Wrapped up in visions of destruction, I remind myself that I have a choice every moment

I turn my mind’s eye to that which uplifts me, and give a wink

How much more energy would I have for that which I love if I let go of that which I loathe?

I don’t have to prove that I am strong anymore

I don’t have to take your shit anymore

You are the one who needs strength

At my best, I pray for you and the healing of our relationship

At my worst, I fantasize about taking a shit on your grave

Workaholic

I went into medicine partly due to heartbreak

The exhaustive training of medical school and residency was a welcome albeit ineffective distraction from my sorrow and loneliness

24-hour shifts are a convenient justification for not keeping in touch with loved ones

Even though the real excuse is my social anxiety and sense of inadequacy

Living within hospital walls, I suspect that I am not the only physician who became a medical doctor to try to forget unrequited love, to escape the world of human relationships

My older colleagues work far more than they need to to make ends meet, far more than any reasonable person would work in a week

Who needs friends or feelings when you have patients and science?

Our skin grows pale under fluorescent lights

Our vision becomes shortsighted as the screens stare unblinkingly

Our hearts forget how to feel carefree

Our muscles atrophy as our brains hypertrophy

Our minds become boxed in with facts, our mental filing cabinets overflow

I am a recovering workaholic working alongside workaholics who do not appear to be in recovery

Perhaps they suspect the same of me

Heads down in the trenches, none of us can know another’s heart

We can only know our own heart, if we listen

We carefully administer medications, surgeries and therapies

We measure progress in numerical metrics of lab values, calculated scores and vital signs

We arrive early and stay late

We work day and night without a break

We always have too much on our plates

We deprive ourselves of sleep, fresh air and food

We know why we have irritable moods

Practicing medicine is an unhealthy, imbalanced lifestyle and we know it

We can only ever heal ourselves

I’m ready to show it

I am finally healing my broken heart

I found that I had to begin at the start

Childhood wounds tangle and bloom

Trauma begets trauma until we change our thoughts, words and actions

Breaking old patterns even as we hold traction

I am love itself, I am the source of what I sought

My cup overflows, it was not all for naught

Enlightened AF

You can never get to the end of it, you said about The Divine

Your words drew kaleidoscopic visions in my mind

I used to feel oppressed by poverty

Now I know I was only oppressed by the false beliefs within me

All the riches were always inside me

To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders

Beyond the collapsing walls, the sky is open

I am still tormented by the torrent of my thoughts

Then I think, ‘I don’t belong in anyone else’s head, nor do they belong in mine’

I try to let go of unhelpful thought-patterns

Such as my deep disappointment when I deem myself as less than perfect in every way, which happens multiple times each day

I may not be able to unthink a thought, but I can balance a negative with a positive, I can let the cloud float away without latching on all day

Today I was transported back to the time when I’d jerk off men for pennies on the dime

Now in the context of a trained medical professional providing a form of physical therapy to another doctor

Standing next to the massage table, I felt as if I hadn’t come far even after all the struggle and sacrifice to get out of poverty, to give my kids a better life

I remind myself that I have enough and I am enough

In my humble, imperfect way

I am enlightened AF sometimes

Unbridled

I finally found my life partner, my love

We’ve lived together for more than a year, peaceful as doves

Happiness pours like sunlight into my life

We wanted to make our union legal before starting a family so we applied for a marriage license

I let my two sisters know the good news- one sister was warm and loving, the other sharp daggers of ice

The first sister offered to sing a song and bake a cake

The second could not be present on our tentative date- so she rained down anger and hate

She was irate that I might celebrate the day without her in any way, however small

Her tyrant insecure ego ruled all

So I gave in to her, as I do

And excluded the rest of my family too

I am trying to understand her thoughts strange and cruel

Why should she have a say on how I carry out my wedding day?

I am a grown woman

She is unwell, wrathful as a demon unleashed from hell

She took the day dedicated to my happiness and love and made it about her anger and pain

That’s what narcissists do: they take your plans and shit in your hands

I was about to take flight and she pulled me back down, the way she does

Like everyday of my childhood, she still can’t kill my hope

Now if I do have a ceremony in the future, I wouldn’t want her there

Forced and coerced, I’m frozen in PTSD

I don’t want her in my life at all, too long have I suffered abuse and trauma from her disproportionate drama

Growing up I wished for her death for my liberation, but that’s not the way

I must be brave, face her and say

Your presence in my life is toxic

You ruined my childhood and now the day of my marriage too

How many ruined days of my life will be enough for you?

Never enough, I know that much

I ache to break free from your trauma-bonds

My brain throbs from the damage of abuse

The blade of my tongue dangles, hungry to cut you loose

In trying to tie me down, you only tied your noose

Your tight grasp only pushed me away

I’ve got this strong itch to tell you you’re a crazy bitch

If you want to stay in my life, stop being a dick

The narcissist and the co-dependent is an act I’m tired of playing

That’s how I know my man is right for me- he is giving

You have an insatiable appetite for my energy

You can’t imagine the pain you inflict on me

As you claim to care about me

I don’t want your conditional love

Love is unconditional, you’re the one who is fucked up

So I cry and kick and punch the air, wonder if you feel it out there

I hope you have nightmares about me in your sleep, that I set fire to your sheets

I learned terror and violence from you

I want to scream

I want to shout

I want to let my feelings out

A deafening roar presses behind my teeth, that old jangly door

I could drown you in my tears

We are both angry: you were born angry, and I am angry that you impose your anger as my problem; you blame me for your meltdowns which are your responsibility alone

If only everyone did what you wanted, there would be peace, or so you’d have me believe

Peace comes from within, stop your deafening din

I am not responsible for how you feel

You are the one who unleashes your anger

I am the robotic doll with no apparent emotions at all

I am also the bride, and there is no room for you in my sphere of love and positivity

With each breath I regain space for myself

By meditation or medication, I wish you well

On second thought, go to hell

It is OK for me to speak my truth

In the eye of your drama storm, I followed my heart and wed my true love

Amidst healing from your narcissistic abuse

I unite myself with self-love

You always tried to break me, but it only made me more unbreakable

You poisoned my wedding well-  I don’t want to sip from it again

You silenced my wedding bells, not knowing that the ringing in my ears cannot be suppressed

When we were little girls, I believed that I was responsible for your feelings

What an impossible task- you’ve always been mentally ill!

I believed it again when I didn’t stand up to you about getting married- when I took responsibility and cleaned up your mess by hiding my marriage from everyone else so that you wouldn’t feel left out

I hurt myself in the name of not hurting you

Yet you are hurt nonetheless, despite my best efforts, my ultimate sacrifice

I’m so fucking exhausted by this awful game

I hope that I fell for the lie for the last time

Armed with understanding, I slay the dynamic between our archetypes

There will be more tears to shed until the day that you are dead, and probably after that too, just to have known you, to have had my developing neuroendocrine system deformed by you

I struggle between wanting to make amends, to be sisterfriends

and to speak my truth, tell you what I think of you

Here is my unbridled rage: fuck you

Your misery is not my responsibility

I may not feel free yet, but with the pen I can write my revenge

Liberate my thoughts even though you may never read this

For a minute there, I lost myself

All these asshole experiences- with family members, exes, bosses

Simulating that I am a hunted and trapped animal

All this elaborate illusion to challenge me, push me to the limit to see if I can remember under pressure

That I am one with everything, that everything is one

In the quantum field, I tap into my innate healing energy, and radiate healing energy out to those motherfuckers as well

To the haters- though you are hurting, you are still loved

I may not like you, but I can assure you that you too are one with everything

Though you may never believe it in this lifetime, that is your loss, that is your spiritual amnesia to recover

I pray for the swift and complete liberation from suffering of all beings

Centering

You are safe

You are loved

You are supported

From below and above

You are the love you seek

You are the other cheek

May every breath remind you

That you are blessed in all you do

Corona

I wear my crown of martyrdom

On the front lines, yet still at the back of the testing line- haven’t been tested

I think of you, virus, though you do not think of me

Coronavirus, on the news

Coronavirus, in my body

Is the aching in my muscles and bones your calling card?

You desire to enter my cells, virus, as much as I long to keep you out

Together, yet separately, we hunger

You want to pick my lock, use my typewriter to transcribe your RNA, then mail your enveloped self-promoting propaganda air mail special to Hadestown.

Don’t bring me down on the way, I pray

Not like this, not today

My heart breaks to think of those who have lost their lives to you, and those who needlessly will still

My head is intoxicated with fear

You always seem too near

Perhaps we Americans deserve the repercussions of our recklessness

Though it is the innocent who pay, as usual

Another day deep

I march on with trembling hands and heavy feet

Tracking invisible mud out of the wards and onto the street

Ashamed to stay in the job I was fixing to quit anyway,

Ashamed to leave now and abandon my post

The war is on, dwarfing the existential crisis of living the life I want versus fulfilling my societal obligation

I am among the minority who have a medical education

Only in following my heart can I grow up at last, no longer a slave to the judgements of others who do not bear my burden

My mind’s liberation opens up like a blue sky

Back to here and now, overcast again

In clinic and in the hospital

I struggle to bring my heart into the mundane and mission-impossible tasks which overflow from one day to the next

Virus, I gaze at your storm clouds accumulating on the horizon, and feel small

I see your silver lining, as I am well practiced in finding positivity amidst disaster

You are rich in potential

Look at the way you are uniting humanity, virus

People are taking care of themselves and each other like never before

Practicing presence in hospital hallways and supermarket aisles, smiling shyly at each other from behind our suffocating masks

We are finally being mindful of our precious resources, thinking globally and acting locally for sustainable solutions

We are cultivating more community and camaraderie than we could ever quantify

Teamwork and solidarity are weaving our spirits more closely together even as the physical distance between our bodies grows

I take a step back to take in the beauty of the tapestry you wove, virus

You bring opportunity for innovation and flexibility, you demand it

Many of us no longer take life for granted

We are cleaning our hands as often as we always should have

People are being prioritized over profits as we focus on what is essential

We settle in, acknowledging at last that we are in the same boat

Living in unspoken gratitude for each day of health

Please don’t rock my boat too much, virus

Though you are armed with cunning skills

And you may bring about more positive change still

I plan to ride out this storm, though land is not in sight

Virus, perhaps you could rest tonight?

Virus, my type II pneumocytes are mine, my lungs are a celebration of life and you are not invited

I wind-down after another day on the front lines,

I give thanks to those who are doing their part in time

To those in the comfort of your own homes,

Please stay where you are, be satisfied

Coronavirus, we will destroy you with patience and ingenuity, with solidarity and community, with soap and water, and with love for one another

When the High Wears Off

You can drink and smoke and swallow

Sniff and huff and wallow

Burn it up, inject it in

But no amount of noise will silence the din

I hear the roar of your pain

I see the fire in your brain

Anxiety and depression rage

Fueling the words on this page

I’ve tried it all

I’ve had a ball

I’ve lived through hell

Just to tell

What I have learned

What I have earned

Highs are temporary

Where will I be

When my next high wears off

Highs always wear off…

After chasing many a transient high

Which only left me feeling low

I’m building upward toward the sky

Growing that inner glow

I’m creating a sense of safe space to come home to

After another long day of battling anxiety monsters and depression demons

My mental sanctuary is invisible, yet indispensable

It is my daily practice, my intention, my breath

My practice is to remind myself that I belong here

Even if I don’t believe it at first

I am worthy

Even if I don’t allow myself to receive at first

I am a person

Even though I’ve spent a lifetime of feeling lesser-than

Of feeling like I owed my life to strangers

I’ve survived so many dangers

I’m lucky

I’m ready

To start living

To feel beyond high

Cultivating a sustainable solution without bodily pollution

Emotional storms are best weathered while wearing a life vest

So I envelope my chest with positive visualizations

Letting my heart garden blossom and thrive

With this breath, I am alive

I am beyond high

Puzzle

I like to look at my map of the world and visualize the continents moving back together:
Puzzle pieces whose edges have been worn by time
I see how well they still fit, nook to cranny

Do you remember when you were all one? I ask the colorful curves of our earth
I wonder if the eastern shores of South America ache for the familiar embrace of the west African coast
Or if Cape Horn longs to kiss Antarctica on the lips just one more time

Traveling by map, I island-hop
I stop for a shag on the Shag Rocks and eat a sandwich on the South Sandwich Islands, both of which are east of Argentina and north of Antarctica.
Islands are the delicious crumbs of earth’s picnic

When I observe others struggling because they feel separate from All That Is,
I try to piece us back together
Though the salt water between us is blinding

I relax my gaze and see
That you fit perfectly with me
How we ever parted in the first place
Is the real puzzle