Thyself

Beginning in early childhood, I dove into the concept of ‘love thy neighbor’ without pausing to consider the ‘as thyself’ part.

Oh man, have I been cruel to myself.

The aftershocks of my self-inflicted Earthquakes are off the Richter scale, as illustrated by my harried nervous system and visibly exhausted body.

For most of my life, I’ve treated others the way I wanted to be treated without stopping to see how I was treating myself, or letting myself be treated by others.

Embodying a doormat, I didn’t realize that I had anything to do with the avalanche of abuses I endured.

Who ordered this truckload of dung, indeed.

Now I understand that I am worthy of healthy love, and I am my sole source of self-love.

Being both self-taught and a late bloomer, this will require careful cultivation and consistent effort.

At least effort and I are old friends.

Though it feels unnatural and shameful to allot resources to myself, I must begin, and begin again.

I feel remorseful when I think of the kindness I denied myself while simultaneously over-giving to others, lighting myself on fire so that they might be warm.

I feel hopeful now that I am starting to practice self-kindness. Simply thinking about loving myself is a huge step on my healing path.

I know that the treasure I seek lies in the cave I fear to enter.

Removing toxic relationships might lighten my load, and would likely be worth the temporary albeit intense discomfort incurred by uprooting.

Yet I remain like a stubborn ox, cursing my burden as I remain willingly yoked, feeling hopelessly bound by the pressure to live up to social expectations.

The cave I fear to enter echoes with judgmental whispers.

‘Through this action, I practice self-love’ is mantra. May I hear it above the voices of those who might object. May I repeat it even as my voice trembles and cracks. May I remember that those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.

May I keep moving forward even when left in the dust by the turtle and the snail.

May I hold myself tenderly in lovingkindness, no matter what I have done or will do.

May I rest in peace in this lifetime, in moments such as this one.

All I Know

This is all an illusion

This separation between us

We are all everything and everyone

We are all the colors under the sun

I want to remind you what you already know

Though your ego may protest it, though you may have covered it like a blanket of snow

Someday the sun will melt the illusions down

It can get quite hot

You will find it worthwhile after your tears stop falling

To see how much you’ve nourished the ground beneath your feet

Then you can grow

That is all I know

Carnival

Welcome to the carnival

I offer all manner of novelties to delight you

Are your thoughts as wild as a flying trapeze?

I’ve got pills to set your mind at ease

Does your heart feel like it has been trampled by an elephant?

You don’t need to use booze to get bent

I’ll flood your blood with chemical love and adjust the dose to fit like a glove

I’ve perfected my performance to be your ideal physician despite my perpetual exhaustion, hanger and burn out

Ignoring my own pain as I eliminate yours

Neither one of us is listening to the sacred wisdom of our bodies

I suffer long and hard so that you don’t have to feel a thing

In my side-show alley you’ll see that if you want more than an endless stream of candy refills, if you want me to be your shaman instead of your drug dealer, at any time you can feel your feelings instead of suppress them

Take a plunge from the high dive on the wild horse of your unmedicated body

Hear your healing lion’s roar

Let your self-expression soar

Allow yourself to fall into the safety net of the universe

Trust that you belong, that you are a star just as you are

Juggle fire and meet yourself with humor when gravity makes its presence known

Allow yourself to be shot from the cannon of self-doubt, trusting that you will be ok

If healing is a series of flaming hoops

The transformative way out is through

Show yourself what you can do

Dance to uplifting music every day

Cultivate strength and flexibility in body and brain

Remind yourself it is normal to feel insane

In this seemingly crazy world, only you can take the reins

Be the ringleader of your life

It ain’t me, babe

Though I have the hard-won power to prescribe the goodies you crave

To be in control of ourselves we must give up control of everything else

Welcome to the big time

The show can’t go on without you

I applaud you

My eyes are open to witness your marvels and miracles

Flame

Your rage strikes my heart like a lightning bolt

Cracking it open and setting it afire

I am at a loss for what to do, so I warm my hands over the embers and wait

To transform, part of me must die

I cannot rush, only trust

How many times can one heart break?

As many times as it takes

To learn the sacred lessons

To consciously unite with the divine

Time and time again

Pain is pain, sensation is sensation

No matter the form or formal education

Lucid dreaming just before waking

I see a sea of broken hearts glowing in the dark

Each a floating lantern offered up

Burning with the same flame

Take it Back

I feel the knots you’ve tied within me

Stains on my energy

Pains in my body

I observe the damage

Tension, nausea, sensation of suffocation

Insomnia, dizziness, diarrheal defecation

You made me feel powerless for too damn long

You beat me up but my spirit is strong

This shit isn’t mine

This was never mine

This is yours

Take it back

Take it all the fuck back

The trauma and the drama

The hurt and the dirt

Keep your hands and your mind out of my skirt

Don’t tell me what to do

Your mind games were never fun for me

Were they fun for you?

You can win the prize, I offer it freely to you

I won’t play anymore

Your ego will have to deal with the fact that I’m letting my sanity heal

I’m learning to put myself first

Through radical acts of self care to restore my happiness and health

Your energy is yours

Take it back

Unbridled

I finally found my life partner, my love

We’ve lived together for more than a year, peaceful as doves

Happiness pours like sunlight into my life

We wanted to make our union legal before starting a family so we applied for a marriage license

I let my two sisters know the good news- one sister was warm and loving, the other sharp daggers of ice

The first sister offered to sing a song and bake a cake

The second could not be present on our tentative date- so she rained down anger and hate

She was irate that I might celebrate the day without her in any way, however small

Her tyrant insecure ego ruled all

So I gave in to her, as I do

And excluded the rest of my family too

I am trying to understand her thoughts strange and cruel

Why should she have a say on how I carry out my wedding day?

I am a grown woman

She is unwell, wrathful as a demon unleashed from hell

She took the day dedicated to my happiness and love and made it about her anger and pain

That’s what narcissists do: they take your plans and shit in your hands

I was about to take flight and she pulled me back down, the way she does

Like everyday of my childhood, she still can’t kill my hope

Now if I do have a ceremony in the future, I wouldn’t want her there

Forced and coerced, I’m frozen in PTSD

I don’t want her in my life at all, too long have I suffered abuse and trauma from her disproportionate drama

Growing up I wished for her death for my liberation, but that’s not the way

I must be brave, face her and say

Your presence in my life is toxic

You ruined my childhood and now the day of my marriage too

How many ruined days of my life will be enough for you?

Never enough, I know that much

I ache to break free from your trauma-bonds

My brain throbs from the damage of abuse

The blade of my tongue dangles, hungry to cut you loose

In trying to tie me down, you only tied your noose

Your tight grasp only pushed me away

I’ve got this strong itch to tell you you’re a crazy bitch

If you want to stay in my life, stop being a dick

The narcissist and the co-dependent is an act I’m tired of playing

That’s how I know my man is right for me- he is giving

You have an insatiable appetite for my energy

You can’t imagine the pain you inflict on me

As you claim to care about me

I don’t want your conditional love

Love is unconditional, you’re the one who is fucked up

So I cry and kick and punch the air, wonder if you feel it out there

I hope you have nightmares about me in your sleep, that I set fire to your sheets

I learned terror and violence from you

I want to scream

I want to shout

I want to let my feelings out

A deafening roar presses behind my teeth, that old jangly door

I could drown you in my tears

We are both angry: you were born angry, and I am angry that you impose your anger as my problem; you blame me for your meltdowns which are your responsibility alone

If only everyone did what you wanted, there would be peace, or so you’d have me believe

Peace comes from within, stop your deafening din

I am not responsible for how you feel

You are the one who unleashes your anger

I am the robotic doll with no apparent emotions at all

I am also the bride, and there is no room for you in my sphere of love and positivity

With each breath I regain space for myself

By meditation or medication, I wish you well

On second thought, go to hell

It is OK for me to speak my truth

In the eye of your drama storm, I followed my heart and wed my true love

Amidst healing from your narcissistic abuse

I unite myself with self-love

You always tried to break me, but it only made me more unbreakable

You poisoned my wedding well-  I don’t want to sip from it again

You silenced my wedding bells, not knowing that the ringing in my ears cannot be suppressed

When we were little girls, I believed that I was responsible for your feelings

What an impossible task- you’ve always been mentally ill!

I believed it again when I didn’t stand up to you about getting married- when I took responsibility and cleaned up your mess by hiding my marriage from everyone else so that you wouldn’t feel left out

I hurt myself in the name of not hurting you

Yet you are hurt nonetheless, despite my best efforts, my ultimate sacrifice

I’m so fucking exhausted by this awful game

I hope that I fell for the lie for the last time

Armed with understanding, I slay the dynamic between our archetypes

There will be more tears to shed until the day that you are dead, and probably after that too, just to have known you, to have had my developing neuroendocrine system deformed by you

I struggle between wanting to make amends, to be sisterfriends

and to speak my truth, tell you what I think of you

Here is my unbridled rage: fuck you

Your misery is not my responsibility

I may not feel free yet, but with the pen I can write my revenge

Liberate my thoughts even though you may never read this

For a minute there, I lost myself

All these asshole experiences- with family members, exes, bosses

Simulating that I am a hunted and trapped animal

All this elaborate illusion to challenge me, push me to the limit to see if I can remember under pressure

That I am one with everything, that everything is one

In the quantum field, I tap into my innate healing energy, and radiate healing energy out to those motherfuckers as well

To the haters- though you are hurting, you are still loved

I may not like you, but I can assure you that you too are one with everything

Though you may never believe it in this lifetime, that is your loss, that is your spiritual amnesia to recover

I pray for the swift and complete liberation from suffering of all beings

Sex, Money, Dishes

Tell me you’ve never fought with your partner about sex, money, or dishes.

Sex

I used to fight endlessly about sex, mainly because I didn’t want to have it but my partners did, so we’d fight and fuck, then I’d cry and be blinded by images of destroying my body or their body just to stop the rape and the torture of not feeling safe in my skin. Amazingly, we all survived and now I have a loving partner with whom I have gold-medal sex; you have to experience it to believe it, it’s like I’m cashing in on some sex fund which I invested in long ago. Happily I don’t fight about sex anymore- I’ve got a man I’m attracted to inside and out, and he loves me the way I want to be loved.

Money

I used to exchange sex for money. It seemed like there was always too much sex and not enough money in those transactions, or transgressions. Even those back-alley deals were more straight forward than my relationships in which sex was exchanged for the illusion of not being alone, for food, housing or ‘safety’, though I learned that the cost to my physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing which false relationships exacted was not worth the dinners, drinks, gifts of lingerie, attention or the roof over my head. You might get raped if you travel alone, but if you travel with a man you are guaranteed to get raped. Live within your means because fine dining won’t taste good if you are eating with a strange man, believe me I know. If you have to learn on your own I understand, however if my years of pain can help prevent a moment of your suffering, it will have been worth it.

Dishes

Rare is the man who finishes the dishes. Common are the men who stack the dishes artfully in the sink until there is barely room to turn on the faucet. I have noticed this pattern during my co-habitations with men. I’ve done too many dishes. It especially irks me when men drown sponges in the rinsed yet still not washed dish pile, unperturbed as the sponge decomposes into a musty mess. Men seem deaf to the silent cries of the forgotten dish sponge. Day after day, I rescue the sponge, wringing it out and restoring it to its rightful place safe on dry land, in sight. My man shows his love for me not only through our award-winning sex, but also through money (ie, responsibility for personal  finances to contribute to our future together) and dishes: ladies and gentlemen, my man did the dishes tonight, thus allowing me time to write the words you read. If a man loves you he will want to learn your love language, which you must teach him with patience, positive reinforcement, and more patience.

I grew up doing the dishes, in poverty, and sexually molested by family and friends. My sister would beat me when she got in trouble for not doing the dishes with me after we were told to do them, but the alternative would have been getting beaten by my parents for not doing the dishes, so I was going to get beat no matter what I did. I wished that someone would do the fucking dishes with me. A girl can get lonely amidst the dissolving suds.

Let Every Moment be a Song

Let every moment be a song from your heart

This is a song without an end, without a start

Let every moment be a song from your heart,

Boom badoomboom boom badoomboom boom

With each beat of your heart may you feel loved

With each beat may you shine out that love

With each beat may you share it up above

and below and out and in

and out

Let every moment be a song from your heart

It doesn’t have to loud or smart

Let every moment be an expression of peace

Peace in your heart is where peace always starts

How far your peace will go, nobody knows

I hope your peace comes back to you

I hope you can feel my peace too

With each breath may you feel blessed

Each moment may you feel loved, at peace, and blessed

One day we’ll pass away

Where we’ll go nobody knows

When that time comes, may we rest

Until then, may you feel your heart overflow with love and peace

May you share it with those you know

and those you haven’t met

When we die, we will leave our bodies behind

Perhaps we will be able to bring peace and love with us, though we will have no pockets or hands

I practice love and peace in my life

Though I forget sometimes that I am love, I remember again

My life is more sacred than I know, made more precious by inevitable death

May every moment be a song of love from my heart

May my inner peace be a light in the dark

May your song fill you with joy

If it doesn’t, change your song

We all sing along on the one and only stage of life

When the High Wears Off

You can drink and smoke and swallow

Sniff and huff and wallow

Burn it up, inject it in

But no amount of noise will silence the din

I hear the roar of your pain

I see the fire in your brain

Anxiety and depression rage

Fueling the words on this page

I’ve tried it all

I’ve had a ball

I’ve lived through hell

Just to tell

What I have learned

What I have earned

Highs are temporary

Where will I be

When my next high wears off

Highs always wear off…

After chasing many a transient high

Which only left me feeling low

I’m building upward toward the sky

Growing that inner glow

I’m creating a sense of safe space to come home to

After another long day of battling anxiety monsters and depression demons

My mental sanctuary is invisible, yet indispensable

It is my daily practice, my intention, my breath

My practice is to remind myself that I belong here

Even if I don’t believe it at first

I am worthy

Even if I don’t allow myself to receive at first

I am a person

Even though I’ve spent a lifetime of feeling lesser-than

Of feeling like I owed my life to strangers

I’ve survived so many dangers

I’m lucky

I’m ready

To start living

To feel beyond high

Cultivating a sustainable solution without bodily pollution

Emotional storms are best weathered while wearing a life vest

So I envelope my chest with positive visualizations

Letting my heart garden blossom and thrive

With this breath, I am alive

I am beyond high

Nothing Wrong

Early childhood trauma pulled the carpet out from under me before I learned to stand on my own feet. I couldn’t build a sense of safety, security or self-esteem on quicksand. I was left with a perpetual sense of dread, always under threat, about to fail or not have enough food, shelter, or other basic needs to survive.

As a result, my root chakra clenched up, my sacral chakra blew up as a survival mechanism, becoming my feeler-sense to test the emotional waters, as my solar plexus bent to the slightest of breezes, bowing my power to others to preserve my life.

Heartbreak cracked my heart open, and in the middle of the darkest dark, divine light poured in.

When I saw the silver lining on the storm cloud of my life,
I saw that there was nothing wrong, and my eyes sparkled.

When I heard the melody and harmony in my sad song,
I heard that there was nothing wrong, and I sang along.

When I felt the world hold me after my love left me,
I felt that there was nothing wrong, and I feel embraced still.

When I breathed in the scent of the changing seasons,
I remembered that nothing was wrong, and I breathe it still.

When I feasted on the harvest of the earth,
I was nourished, the knowledge that nothing was wrong filled every cell of my body.

Maybe nothing was ever wrong.
Tonight, I am all right.

May I remind myself one million and one times, should I forget a million times, that I am all right.

I hope that you too may feel that there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with your life.