Carnival

Welcome to the carnival

I offer all manner of novelties to delight you

Are your thoughts as wild as a flying trapeze?

I’ve got pills to set your mind at ease

Does your heart feel like it has been trampled by an elephant?

You don’t need to use booze to get bent

I’ll flood your blood with chemical love and adjust the dose to fit like a glove

I’ve perfected my performance to be your ideal physician despite my perpetual exhaustion, hanger and burn out

Ignoring my own pain as I eliminate yours

Neither one of us is listening to the sacred wisdom of our bodies

I suffer long and hard so that you don’t have to feel a thing

In my side-show alley you’ll see that if you want more than an endless stream of candy refills, if you want me to be your shaman instead of your drug dealer, at any time you can feel your feelings instead of suppress them

Take a plunge from the high dive on the wild horse of your unmedicated body

Hear your healing lion’s roar

Let your self-expression soar

Allow yourself to fall into the safety net of the universe

Trust that you belong, that you are a star just as you are

Juggle fire and meet yourself with humor when gravity makes its presence known

Allow yourself to be shot from the cannon of self-doubt, trusting that you will be ok

If healing is a series of flaming hoops

The transformative way out is through

Show yourself what you can do

Dance to uplifting music every day

Cultivate strength and flexibility in body and brain

Remind yourself it is normal to feel insane

In this seemingly crazy world, only you can take the reins

Be the ringleader of your life

It ain’t me, babe

Though I have the hard-won power to prescribe the goodies you crave

To be in control of ourselves we must give up control of everything else

Welcome to the big time

The show can’t go on without you

I applaud you

My eyes are open to witness your marvels and miracles

Vanish

You struggle to breathe

Your lungs groan under the weight of a million cigarettes

Your body will not heal, nor will you allow it to

You prefer to smoke tobacco than to breathe, you tell me

Your liver is hardened

Fluid builds up in your legs, abdomen and lungs

You bleed into your GI tract

Again and again

Requiring dozens of blood transfusions

Until when?

You prefer to drink than to live, you tell me

Your blood harbors viruses and bacteria

Years of IV drug abuse riddle your veins

My eyes draw lines between the scars on your skin

And spell out your pain

Your body is massively obese

You’ve had just desserts

Your blood is dangerously sweet

The food on the menu is not nourishing

With vibrant foods, we could all be flourishing

Instead we are toxic

Now you’re turning hypoxic

Your own body gets in the way of breathing

Rather than a vehicle, your body is your handicap

Too much mass to move

Stumbling, you tumble into my view

Bullet wounds have torn right through you

Senseless violence, what kind of freedom is this?

We reserve the right to die at the hands of another at any time

I want to take all the suffering I see

Concentrate that energy inside me

And use it to wipe away cigarettes and liquor stores,

Smash opioids off the face of the planet, and while I’m at it

Take my magic wand and with a swish banish sugar from our lips

Eliminate weapons with one wish

I’ll water that seed of hope with the tears of those who know, so it will grow

And we shall be sheltered in our old age by the tree planted in our youth

We’ve suffered enough to learn how to thrive in our world- at least we’ve discovered what not to do.

I have a dream that tobacco, alcohol, illicit drugs, processed foods, and guns will vanish.

I realize that this is unlikely to happen for a while, as there are profits to be made and suffering to be had.

Taking into account the billions of healthcare dollars it costs to deal with lung disease, liver disease, drug addiction, diabetes and gun violence, let alone the immeasurable cost of lost lives and poor health, how can we afford to carry on the way we have been?

If a substance is harmful, let it vanish.

Why hold on to that which is no longer serving us?

We can do anything with our infinite human potential.

We alone can change our lives and leave the world better than we found it.

Let’s do what we can before we vanish

Do something today

There is no guide book

Vote with your dollars, your actions, your thoughts

Breathing in gratitude, I thank you

Pain

Pain and addiction.

I walk the line between giving too much and giving too little.

Rarely do I get it right.

Rarely do I feel right with myself when I prescribe opioids.

Knowing what lies on the other side of pain relief, knowing the train wreck waiting at the end of the line, knowing the lifelong prison sentence that opioid dependence brings- held hostage in our own skin, til death do us part.

Too many loved ones have died too young from overdosing.

How can I justify prescribing a substance that could suddenly and unapologetically kill someone I’ve never met, somebody’s beloved son or daughter, a curious teen who wanted to feel comfortable in their changing body, experimenting at a party, sampling the medicine cabinet

I want to feel comfortable too.

You complain of pain that you’ve had for years and expect me to fix in an instant.

You say there is a national opioid epidemic, but that you are not a part of the problem.

You say that tylenol and ibuprofen don’t work on you. You say that you need at least Percocet.

You say that other people have been prescribed more for lesser reasons.

You become bitterly enraged if I hesitate, and sickly saccharine if I yield to your request.

You shout that I wasted your time if you don’t get what you want. It kills my spirit to prescribe you opioids, because opioids are, in my humble opinion, the worst medicine- the most risk for the least benefit. With opioids, there is no healing, only the creation of an unnecessary problem without a solution.

It makes me want to leave medicine when I prescribe the medicine you beg for. I’m not practicing medicine for my health, so if I’m not ultimately benefitting your health, then what the hell am I here for.

Can’t you feel my pain? I’m so damn uncomfortable in this drug-dealer role.

If we reserved opioid use for more select scenarios, like only metastatic cancer or the immediate post-operative period, perhaps opioid dependence would be prevented for many who have yet to be born.

However, there are more drug profits to make and more blood to spill before change will come.

The whole scene makes me ill.

If I wanted to deal drugs, I wouldn’t have put myself through the brutality of medical school and residency. I could’ve just dropped out of high school and saved myself a lot of hassle. That might sound cold, but my pain ignites my fire. You didn’t ask about my pain.

I don’t want to be part of this system because I feel like I’m doing more harm than good.

I’m trying to do right in a world of wrong.

I swallow my words until they explode in a song.

Nobody hears my melody because I work all day long.

Sing sweet nightingale.