Doc

My patients come to me and say, ‘Doc, I have pain’

All of life is pain and comfort, my powers are few in the face of this universal truth

We try all manner of pills, topical treatments, injections and various therapies, yet the pain persists

Soul pain lies beyond the reach of western medicine

My patients come to me and say, ‘Doc, I cannot sleep’

All of life is fear and relief, effort and rest, I’ll do my best

I send multiple prescriptions, adjust doses, fill out piles of disability paperwork

I work extremely hard so that my patients don’t have to work at all

Although we share the same afflictions; anxiety with panic attacks, depression, insomnia, PTSD, nightmares

Perhaps my patients are doing more for themselves than I will ever do for myself

They are allowing themselves to be helped, although nothing we’ve tried so far seems to help much

No cure in sight, just a lifetime of refills

I’ve yet to outwardly acknowledge the inner storm that rages below my placid surface

My family conditioned me not to feel my feelings, trained me to exist only in service of others, to live for their benefit

The few times during childhood that I made the mistake of showing that I was human, that I was hurting, I received swift and searing backlash

Perhaps my patients are healing me by showing me what it looks like to be vulnerable, by saying ‘I can’t do this’

Yet I fear that I am keeping them unwell, allowing them to accept the sick role without hope of cure by signing their disability forms, by saying ‘you don’t have to do anything’

How will they ever heal themselves if they don’t have to?

How will they gain meaning from their experiences if their feelings are dulled by the drugs I prescribe, if I enable them to spend their life alone and inside?

I show myself how strong I am by forcing myself to function full-throttle in the world despite my invisible disabilities

How will my patients know how strong they are if their strength is not tested?

Am I secretly as callous as my parents, though I act with compassion?

Should I be more like my patients; take it easy and ask for help, or should my patients be more like me and tow their own weight, accept the normalcy of adverse human experiences, work even though they haven’t slept in days, like I do?

I have PTSD, nightmares, insomnia, panic, crippling anxiety and depression, but I carry on because I have to, or so I believe

Maybe I don’t have to do this anymore

Even though I work like a dog and pay my own way through life, even as the taxes I pay in part to support my patients’ disability benefits bleed me dry, I prefer the freedom to create my own life to dependence on a system that provides too little too late to survivors of child abuse

I want to stop asking my patients what is wrong and start asking them what is strong

We are all warriors

May I be a warrior of peace

May I heal myself in order to light the way for others on their healing journey

Green Room

In the green room of life

We all sit down, take off our masks and laugh

We congratulate each other on another a good show

Seated on the other side of the curtain where duality dissipates

We debrief, recount, replay, tallying up the sacred lessons learned at the end of the day

In the green room, the oppressor and the oppressed embrace

Realizing that we are one, smiling at the absurdity that we ever thought otherwise

Recounting blows, former harsh words melt into knowing smiles 

Disbelieving that we ever forgot that life is a dream, a game with infinite lives, a simulator in which to act out our drama

In the green room, there is nothing to fight about

Life’s perfection is seen clearly and we remember that we are whole, that there is nothing wrong with us, that we are playing

And we play again, vowing that we will remember our true selves this time around

Carnival

Welcome to the carnival

I offer all manner of novelties to delight you

Are your thoughts as wild as a flying trapeze?

I’ve got pills to set your mind at ease

Does your heart feel like it has been trampled by an elephant?

You don’t need to use booze to get bent

I’ll flood your blood with chemical love and adjust the dose to fit like a glove

I’ve perfected my performance to be your ideal physician despite my perpetual exhaustion, hanger and burn out

Ignoring my own pain as I eliminate yours

Neither one of us is listening to the sacred wisdom of our bodies

I suffer long and hard so that you don’t have to feel a thing

In my side-show alley you’ll see that if you want more than an endless stream of candy refills, if you want me to be your shaman instead of your drug dealer, at any time you can feel your feelings instead of suppress them

Take a plunge from the high dive on the wild horse of your unmedicated body

Hear your healing lion’s roar

Let your self-expression soar

Allow yourself to fall into the safety net of the universe

Trust that you belong, that you are a star just as you are

Juggle fire and meet yourself with humor when gravity makes its presence known

Allow yourself to be shot from the cannon of self-doubt, trusting that you will be ok

If healing is a series of flaming hoops

The transformative way out is through

Show yourself what you can do

Dance to uplifting music every day

Cultivate strength and flexibility in body and brain

Remind yourself it is normal to feel insane

In this seemingly crazy world, only you can take the reins

Be the ringleader of your life

It ain’t me, babe

Though I have the hard-won power to prescribe the goodies you crave

To be in control of ourselves we must give up control of everything else

Welcome to the big time

The show can’t go on without you

I applaud you

My eyes are open to witness your marvels and miracles

Flame

Your rage strikes my heart like a lightning bolt

Cracking it open and setting it afire

I am at a loss for what to do, so I warm my hands over the embers and wait

To transform, part of me must die

I cannot rush, only trust

How many times can one heart break?

As many times as it takes

To learn the sacred lessons

To consciously unite with the divine

Time and time again

Pain is pain, sensation is sensation

No matter the form or formal education

Lucid dreaming just before waking

I see a sea of broken hearts glowing in the dark

Each a floating lantern offered up

Burning with the same flame

Off My Chest

I need to get you off my chest

I’ve never felt relaxed in my life because you raised me in the war zone of your wrath

Bombs of panic explode in my mind all day every day

Choking me with your smoke and mirrors even though you are far away

My ears ring with your shouting

You were the biggest little tyrant

Not even two years my senior

Yet always more needy

Mandating, yet begging

I didn’t realize the power I had over you, and still do

You were the one dependent on me for affirmation, not the other way around

I didn’t have a choice then, but I do now-

To live a life without your storms brewing on my horizon

I’ve never slept well in my life because I thought you were going to murder me in my sleep throughout our childhood and adolescence

I used lie in bed wearing a cross around my neck with a note attached to it asking you to think before acting, waiting for dawn to break, dreading another day with you, feeling trapped and hopeless with no end in sight

I never felt protected, respected, seen or heard by our parents

In moments of desperation, I wish you had killed me

Instead you continue to torture me passive aggressively, and I am passive passive aggressive

Silenced, as if buried alive

I toss and turn, tormented between insomnia and nightmares

I’m trying to think before I act

I am upset that I’m even thinking about you now

I am upset about how you get upset ‘at’ me: you throw your rage at me and have me clean up the mess, time and time again, left to calm your ass down as if your reactions were justifiable or somehow my fault

It was never my fault

I am not responsible for how you feel

Leave me alone you evil bitch

I want to scream at you with the force of 35 years of repressed anger and tears

At the same time, I am trying to let go of the hot coal which burns my palm

I am trying to let the rippling waters of my pond be still

I am trying to not be irritated, for only then will you no longer be irritating

I am trying to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings

I am tired of trying so damn hard

I am ready for ease

I am ready for peace

I am ready to breathe

Please, get off my chest

I don’t need to ask- I am responsible for how I feel

I’m not sure what to do next

I’ll probably meditate and self-medicate with raw emo poetry

Like the note pinned to my cross-necklace, you will probably never read this

But maybe those who matter will

Those who feel they are suffering alone

May find healing in this onion peel

And breathe just one breath more freely

For this I humbly pray

Namaste

Workaholic

I went into medicine partly due to heartbreak

The exhaustive training of medical school and residency was a welcome albeit ineffective distraction from my sorrow and loneliness

24-hour shifts are a convenient justification for not keeping in touch with loved ones

Even though the real excuse is my social anxiety and sense of inadequacy

Living within hospital walls, I suspect that I am not the only physician who became a medical doctor to try to forget unrequited love, to escape the world of human relationships

My older colleagues work far more than they need to to make ends meet, far more than any reasonable person would work in a week

Who needs friends or feelings when you have patients and science?

Our skin grows pale under fluorescent lights

Our vision becomes shortsighted as the screens stare unblinkingly

Our hearts forget how to feel carefree

Our muscles atrophy as our brains hypertrophy

Our minds become boxed in with facts, our mental filing cabinets overflow

I am a recovering workaholic working alongside workaholics who do not appear to be in recovery

Perhaps they suspect the same of me

Heads down in the trenches, none of us can know another’s heart

We can only know our own heart, if we listen

We carefully administer medications, surgeries and therapies

We measure progress in numerical metrics of lab values, calculated scores and vital signs

We arrive early and stay late

We work day and night without a break

We always have too much on our plates

We deprive ourselves of sleep, fresh air and food

We know why we have irritable moods

Practicing medicine is an unhealthy, imbalanced lifestyle and we know it

We can only ever heal ourselves

I’m ready to show it

I am finally healing my broken heart

I found that I had to begin at the start

Childhood wounds tangle and bloom

Trauma begets trauma until we change our thoughts, words and actions

Breaking old patterns even as we hold traction

I am love itself, I am the source of what I sought

My cup overflows, it was not all for naught

Unbridled

I finally found my life partner, my love

We’ve lived together for more than a year, peaceful as doves

Happiness pours like sunlight into my life

We wanted to make our union legal before starting a family so we applied for a marriage license

I let my two sisters know the good news- one sister was warm and loving, the other sharp daggers of ice

The first sister offered to sing a song and bake a cake

The second could not be present on our tentative date- so she rained down anger and hate

She was irate that I might celebrate the day without her in any way, however small

Her tyrant insecure ego ruled all

So I gave in to her, as I do

And excluded the rest of my family too

I am trying to understand her thoughts strange and cruel

Why should she have a say on how I carry out my wedding day?

I am a grown woman

She is unwell, wrathful as a demon unleashed from hell

She took the day dedicated to my happiness and love and made it about her anger and pain

That’s what narcissists do: they take your plans and shit in your hands

I was about to take flight and she pulled me back down, the way she does

Like everyday of my childhood, she still can’t kill my hope

Now if I do have a ceremony in the future, I wouldn’t want her there

Forced and coerced, I’m frozen in PTSD

I don’t want her in my life at all, too long have I suffered abuse and trauma from her disproportionate drama

Growing up I wished for her death for my liberation, but that’s not the way

I must be brave, face her and say

Your presence in my life is toxic

You ruined my childhood and now the day of my marriage too

How many ruined days of my life will be enough for you?

Never enough, I know that much

I ache to break free from your trauma-bonds

My brain throbs from the damage of abuse

The blade of my tongue dangles, hungry to cut you loose

In trying to tie me down, you only tied your noose

Your tight grasp only pushed me away

I’ve got this strong itch to tell you you’re a crazy bitch

If you want to stay in my life, stop being a dick

The narcissist and the co-dependent is an act I’m tired of playing

That’s how I know my man is right for me- he is giving

You have an insatiable appetite for my energy

You can’t imagine the pain you inflict on me

As you claim to care about me

I don’t want your conditional love

Love is unconditional, you’re the one who is fucked up

So I cry and kick and punch the air, wonder if you feel it out there

I hope you have nightmares about me in your sleep, that I set fire to your sheets

I learned terror and violence from you

I want to scream

I want to shout

I want to let my feelings out

A deafening roar presses behind my teeth, that old jangly door

I could drown you in my tears

We are both angry: you were born angry, and I am angry that you impose your anger as my problem; you blame me for your meltdowns which are your responsibility alone

If only everyone did what you wanted, there would be peace, or so you’d have me believe

Peace comes from within, stop your deafening din

I am not responsible for how you feel

You are the one who unleashes your anger

I am the robotic doll with no apparent emotions at all

I am also the bride, and there is no room for you in my sphere of love and positivity

With each breath I regain space for myself

By meditation or medication, I wish you well

On second thought, go to hell

It is OK for me to speak my truth

In the eye of your drama storm, I followed my heart and wed my true love

Amidst healing from your narcissistic abuse

I unite myself with self-love

You always tried to break me, but it only made me more unbreakable

You poisoned my wedding well-  I don’t want to sip from it again

You silenced my wedding bells, not knowing that the ringing in my ears cannot be suppressed

When we were little girls, I believed that I was responsible for your feelings

What an impossible task- you’ve always been mentally ill!

I believed it again when I didn’t stand up to you about getting married- when I took responsibility and cleaned up your mess by hiding my marriage from everyone else so that you wouldn’t feel left out

I hurt myself in the name of not hurting you

Yet you are hurt nonetheless, despite my best efforts, my ultimate sacrifice

I’m so fucking exhausted by this awful game

I hope that I fell for the lie for the last time

Armed with understanding, I slay the dynamic between our archetypes

There will be more tears to shed until the day that you are dead, and probably after that too, just to have known you, to have had my developing neuroendocrine system deformed by you

I struggle between wanting to make amends, to be sisterfriends

and to speak my truth, tell you what I think of you

Here is my unbridled rage: fuck you

Your misery is not my responsibility

I may not feel free yet, but with the pen I can write my revenge

Liberate my thoughts even though you may never read this

For a minute there, I lost myself

All these asshole experiences- with family members, exes, bosses

Simulating that I am a hunted and trapped animal

All this elaborate illusion to challenge me, push me to the limit to see if I can remember under pressure

That I am one with everything, that everything is one

In the quantum field, I tap into my innate healing energy, and radiate healing energy out to those motherfuckers as well

To the haters- though you are hurting, you are still loved

I may not like you, but I can assure you that you too are one with everything

Though you may never believe it in this lifetime, that is your loss, that is your spiritual amnesia to recover

I pray for the swift and complete liberation from suffering of all beings

Room at the Table

To learn medicine, we spend years

Carefully cramming knowledge between our ears

Medicine is a hoarder’s paradise:

Constantly changing like the ocean, ever-expanding like the universe

In this shifting, growing, mass of information,

We hold dear each grain of sand and each countless star

Keeping them for future use

Welcoming new knowledge as it surfaces

There is always room for more at our table