You Can Have It

Darling, though we’ve never met

You rolled the dice, you placed a bet

That you could win a lawsuit

Born of the heartbreaking news

That your baby died inside you

A horrific experience, true

But of your baby’s death, I had nothing to do

The coroner’s report reveals the truth

Your baby passed away at least a day before you ever walked my way

Darling, I didn’t even lay eyes upon you

I was being a team player, not a baby slayer

In going above and beyond to help another

I didn’t imagine I’d be sued by a mother

You said we dropped the ball

But we were never playing at all

If it is money you are looking for,

Honey you’re knocking on the wrong door

All those years I could have been earning

I spent in medical school learning

about medicine, not about law

Perhaps I wasn’t well trained after all

You want us to take the blame

for your unspeakable pain

Can you imagine what I have given up

just to help you, is it never enough?

For you, I went hungry, I went without sleep

Hard years away from my family, I didn’t see

I got stuck with needles, splashed with blood

Only for you to smear my name like it was mud

On the journey that led me to you,

I gave up love, I gave my life

I turned away from ease and took on strife

Of my own pregnancies, I sacrificed them all

My weeping uterus bled raw

Just to give you my best, I gave up the rest-

My youth, my babies and childbearing years, too many unnumbered tears

I stayed in an abusive relationship throughout medical school

Because the only way to escape my abuser would have been to drop out and forego my education

I stayed in hell for all the women held back from their full potential because of men

Though it was the hardest thing I ever did, and I still have nightmares about him

I don’t feel safe in my skin, but then again I never did

I wonder if I’d do it all again, just to reach out my hand, only to have you bite it

I fought hard to serve you, and serve you I did

Without a word of thanks from you, kid

Then again, we’ve never met

I’m named in your lawsuit, yet

What I’m trying to tell you

Is that my medical degree,

My heart, my mind

My hard work, and all my precious time-

You can have it

It was always yours anyway

Everything I do, dear patient, is for you

I give you my life- you can have my lawsuit too

In trying to hurt me, you only harm yourself

We are all connected in the One True Self

Limitlessness is bliss

Reach out and return the infinite kiss

Available to you at any time

You can have it if you understand this rhyme

Alice in Recoveryland

Alice had her heart broken

When she was quite small

And healing a broken heart

Isn’t easy at all

So she drank

To forget it all

But she couldn’t forget,

Even when she felt tall

In fact, the more she drank

The more she felt like she was falling

And falling…

Until- kerplunk!

She hit rock bottom, landed on her badunk

She had no where to go but up

But getting up is hard when you are on your badunk

Though Alice was hurting, she was also incredibly strong

So she climbed and she climbed, though her journey was long

To this day, she is climbing still

She is higher than she ever felt when she was looking out over windowsills

In towers guarded by grumpy ogreish men

Alice is a survivor, and she’d survive it all again

Her heart may have been broken,

But it never stopped beating

Though the sweetness of love was fleeting

And the bitter years of sadness and tears

Left a sting on her cheek and made her feel meek

She is finding her true voice

She is exercising her choice

To express herself in this world

Hers is the story of one small girl

Who grew into womanhood

The only way she could

Smoking this, drinking that

Sleeping with men wearing mad hats

Alice is every woman, in a way

Doing her best to recover from her past today

Building herself a better future

Re-writing her fairy tale

After giving so many men happy endings

She is creating a happy ending for herself

Filled with love, hope, and peace

Blue Glass

I am not OK

I’ve spent a life time lying,

Sticking to the script, saying that I’m fine

I learned as a child to be truthless

Because honesty only got me neglectful rejection

And beat-downs, ruthless

I was trained to be out of touch with my feelings

For a decades, I’ve been reeling

Coming home to my body, battered and bruised

Healing deep emotional wounds

In my family, failure was not an option

I prayed, even as an adult, for adoption

Periodically I stumble through patches of suicidal ideation

Homicidal visions to destroy all of creation

Just to find peace

Do you know what I mean?

I make ends meet, though I’ve stolen and cheated

Swimming upstream, never defeated

I don’t trust anyone with the truth about my life

I don’t want to rehash it, don’t want to unravel it

As a teenager, I used to beat off to Gravel Pit

I am not Ok, and I am Ok with that

I should probably ‘get help’, but the thing about people

Is that they make me uneasy

Can you blame me?

You can shame me, but whatever you are thinking,

I’m sure I’ve done worse

I seem Ok, like a high-functioning addict

Storing up empty bottles in my attic

Just to see sunlight shine through blue glass

Behold the beauty of my realized potential at last

Our Mother’s Face

We thought we could improve perfection, Mama

When we drew lines across your face

Highways of asphalt scars connecting the

Clusters of concrete wounds on your cheeks

High rise buildings offering every luxury but you, Mama

We dig into you without asking, Mama, pounding into your bedrock

Even as you gently rock us to sleep each night, as if our actions are alright

We are the ones who refuse to turn out the lights

We don’t hear your wisdom, Mama, which you sing softly even now

We boast loudly but when do we listen, Mama?

We are shaken to the bone when we drill into you, Mama

Between fracking and petroleum, our hearts are in pandemonium

We make ourselves ill when we poison your blood

Dumping debris into your waters

We choke as we pollute your lungs

Pouring smoke into your atmosphere

We share a single circulatory and respiratory system with you, Mama

Our shortsighted deeds will always come back to haunt us in spades

We drink from your abundant cup, rarely satisfied that we have enough

We pretend to be separate from you even as we depend on you for our every breath, from birth to death

We think we know best but we haven’t fooled the rest, only ourselves

We act big, but we are dust on your mighty shoulders, Mama

Our mother has the most gorgeous face

Deep blue-green eyes and a sparkling smile

Bathed in rich brown skin, holding the miracle of life itself within her

Her beauty cannot be improved by anything man-made

To thrive, she needs only to be loved by those she loves unconditionally, by us

This is her divine lesson of self-love

Caring for the Earth is caring for ourselves

We spring forth from the Earth’s womb, are nourished by her breast, and remain connected to her indefinitely by an unbreakable umbilical cord

Though we mistreat you, we love you and we need you, Mama

You are the only oasis in the vast desert of the universe

We feel calm and content when we are close to you, Mama

Words are not your language

We must show our love for you through actions

Spending quality time with you

Living simply and sustainably

Voting with every transaction

Passing legislation to protect you from destruction by our hands

We have injured you too many times in the name of profit Mama, which only robs ourselves of true wealth: clean air, water and soil

We can’t buy more of you in any store, Mama

When we hurt you, we hurt ourselves more

You wait patiently for us to learn, even as we pillage and burn

You demonstrate how to love more completely, Mama, but that does not excuse our transgressions

This Earth Day, may we pause for reflection on our self-centered predilection

May we hold you in the center of our heart, where you always belonged from the start

Though at times we get distracted, more of your children are treading softly on you each day, Mama

May I be one such child of the Earth, and help others so inspired do the same

Your health depends on what we do today

May we lift our faces to you and see our collective dream come true

Samurai

Before I knew how to love,

I freely offered up my heart

Blind shot in the dark

I was the one who dropped my heart on the floor

From my open hands

Not knowing that I had smashed through a door

Not knowing what I would gain

Not knowing what I could never lose

No one seemed to notice, no one intervened

As I set out on my own

Lifting the veil, stepping through the screen

It wasn’t easy

I made every possible mistake

Burning my fire to fulfill other people’s desires

I was able to do everything and anything,

Because I already felt dead

From the heartbreak which split and throbbed in my head

I flipped circus tricks in the strangest of beds

Unscripted, I drifted

I met so many people

I worshipped under unconventional steeples

Life is my book, my science, my art

It all started when I sacrificed my heart

Everyday I learn how to love more

Love myself, my life, my family

Love even the dregs of humanity

Those who have yet to wander away from themselves

Those who have yet to realize who they really are

Because they cling so tightly to their identity

I’m privileged to live like a Samurai; at once warrior, servant, and free

Die How You Want

It’s our body, we can die how we want

It’s our death, we can go how we want

It’s our code status, we choose what we want

DNR, DNI

Or full code if we want

It’s your body you can die how you want to

It’s your death, you can go how you want to

It’s your code, let us know what you’d want

Before your heart drops the beat

Or your lungs cease to breathe

Wires, tubes, saline flushes everywhere

Hands on your chest cuz we do care

We came to resuscitate you now

And intubate you now

We’ll call your healthcare proxy

Cuz we’ve got that moxy

Hope you told ‘em what you’d want

When your heart stops pumpin’

When your body’s at the end of its rope

Our default is to run a code

We’ll do our very best now

Slap electrodes on your chest now

So la da di da da

We’ll do what you want

Shove a tube down your throat

Drill right into your bone

This is your death

This is your code

And we’ll shock you

And we’ll rock you

Even if we break hella ribs

If we said we wouldn’t it’d be a fib

And we’ll shock you

And we’ll rock you

Shove needles and drugs into your veins

Trying to get perfusion to your brain

It’s our body we can die how we want

It’s our death, we can go how we want

It’s our code status, we choose what we want

DNR, DNI

Full code if we want

To my patients who are good to go

Say the world, I’ll make you CMO

We’ll focus on your comfort

Gather the people who love yaaaa

To all my patients in the CCU

Hooked up to machines and feeding tubes

If need be, we’ll trach ya

2 weeks after we intubate ya

So la da di da da

We’ll do what you want

Keep your body alive

Long after you fail to thrive

This is our hospital

But it’s your body

So let us know

Long before you code

If you want to be full code

Or DNR, just let us know

And we can stop

And we will stop

But we gotta know what you wish

The default is to force air through your lips

It’s my body I can die how I want

It’s my death I can go how I want

It’s my code status- I choose what I want

DNR, DNI

Or full code if I want

It’s your body you die how you want to

It’s your death you can go how you want to

It’s your code status, choose what you want to

DNR, DNI, full code if you want to

Got people in line to help you

Trying to get a line in to help you

Fluids running wide open

Keep those chest compressions going

And we’ll shock you

And we’ll rock you

Can’t you see it’s we who work all night

Can’t you see who we who save your life

Or die trying

We won’t be denying

Most of the time

You’ll still be dying

That’s just a fact- do what you want with that

This is our job, but it’s your body

It’s your choice, let us hear your voice

It’s your body you can die how you want- DNR, DNI or full code if you want.

Only you can choose

Do what you want to do

Die how you want to die

Either way, we’ll be by your side

Yeah yeah

Salt

My patient had hypovolemic hyponatremia

His serum sodium was low, and we all need salt in our blood to live

Overall, he was dehydrated- dry, though his blood pressure was high

I looked at his moist tongue, and didn’t see the storm clouds amassing in the sky

Until my attending physician came thundering down

Pummeling my eardrums with his voice so loud

Taking lightning strikes at my fledgeling ego

Making me feel scared, small and trapped

How dare I not approach this case the same way he would

How could I take a vast constellation of data points, and see a different image than him?

How dare I not know everything he wants me to know when he thinks I should know it.

The audacity of me!

I went into this job to help people, but who helps me when confronted with an abusive boss, the way I am all day every day?

I have grit, and that’s it.

How can I justify the harm I inflict on myself by trodding this path of not harming others? Am I not also a person worthy of non-harm?

I drag myself through another day of sheer exhaustion, violent levels of stress, junk food scavenging, flooding my veins with the same poison I encourage my patients to avoid.

I practice this art of self-abuse day after day, year after year.

I don’t have the time or personal space to cry, until many hours have passed by, and my work, imperfectly executed, is temporarily done.

Tomorrow, more work will come at a nauseating pace, in unpredictable swells and storms.

Tonight, I cling to the knot I’ve tied at the end of my rope.

At home, my partner speaks to me, but I do not hear him.

He softly reaches out to me, but I do not feel his touch.

He serves me dinner, though I do not feel hunger.

I try to breathe through my shell-shock, remind myself that I am safe, worthy, lovable.

As if concussed, I feel foggy, irritable, and want only to cry.

I close my bedroom door, and I finally let my tears fall, though I don’t know how they will ever stop.

I take stock of the things I am grateful for.

I have energy to release:

I visualize a cord of light between my attending physician and I, solar plexus to solar plexus, and I send his rageful, toxic energy back to him, riddled with his scathing judgement.

I send him back the shame he so generously tried to pile on me.

That is his energy, not mine.

I feel the sting of tears as they dry on my cheek- my personal Sahara.

For a minute there, I lost myself.

I feel raw, delicate.

I cried so much, I have lost volume and salt like my hypovolemic hyponatremic patient.

This time, I know the recommended remedy: fluid.

Keeping myself fluid, I bow in respect and gratitude to the teachers on my journey- those who still trick me into believing that I am lesser-than, who make me temporarily forget that I am a dreamer in this cosmic kaleidoscope.

I bow with respect and gratitude to water, and salt.

Nothing Wrong

Early childhood trauma pulled the carpet out from under me before I learned to stand on my own feet. I couldn’t build a sense of safety, security or self-esteem on quicksand. I was left with a perpetual sense of dread, always under threat, about to fail or not have enough food, shelter, or other basic needs to survive.

As a result, my root chakra clenched up, my sacral chakra blew up as a survival mechanism, becoming my feeler-sense to test the emotional waters, as my solar plexus bent to the slightest of breezes, bowing my power to others to preserve my life.

Heartbreak cracked my heart open, and in the middle of the darkest dark, divine light poured in.

When I saw the silver lining on the storm cloud of my life,
I saw that there was nothing wrong, and my eyes sparkled.

When I heard the melody and harmony in my sad song,
I heard that there was nothing wrong, and I sang along.

When I felt the world hold me after my love left me,
I felt that there was nothing wrong, and I feel embraced still.

When I breathed in the scent of the changing seasons,
I remembered that nothing was wrong, and I breathe it still.

When I feasted on the harvest of the earth,
I was nourished, the knowledge that nothing was wrong filled every cell of my body.

Maybe nothing was ever wrong.
Tonight, I am all right.

May I remind myself one million and one times, should I forget a million times, that I am all right.

I hope that you too may feel that there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with your life.

Codes

We stay up all night

We walk the edge of a knife

At any moment, behold the sight

In our hands, is this death or is this life?

Plunging into bodies big and small

Chest compressions, intubations, we do it all

Breathing and beating, we make the call

When to quit, and spirits fall

Another memory formed between these walls

We know the code-

Sweat, tension, palpitations

Chaotic flurry, slow-motion hurry

If only we could lend our beating hearts

To those who are dying in front of our eyes

The Mirror Box

All my life
I feel like I’ve been trapped inside a mirror box:
A glass box made of one-way mirrors
This is cheap trick

When people look at me
They see only what they want to see
They see themselves in me
They see their desires come alive before their eyes
They can’t imagine that I’m locked inside

I can look out and see them
I try to scream
They don’t even hear a peep
Alas, this glass is sound proof

How can I break it
How can I smash it
How can I make it to the other side

Will I be able to breathe outside the safety of this mirror box, this cube-shaped solitary confinement that I call home?
It is all I have ever known
My voice does not obey me
It says what others want it to say
What cruel trick is this
That my voice is not my own?
Only through writing, ladies and gentlemen, can I let my true self roam

I want to break free from the mirror box
I want to feel the sun and fresh air on my hair
I want to feel safe in my skin
I want to feel like a person without fear