Eve

I loved you because I loathe myself.

I blindly pushed through the red flags you were covered with, armed with an explanation for every asinine decision.

‘You did what?’ you asked me, eager to pile on the shame men reserve for the women they dishonor with their advances.

I accepted that I made a mistake but I was mistaken that I owed you anything, let alone my life.

By eating apples, I realized that I am the universe experiencing itself.

I am the fruit of the tree of life.

Life Sentence

I resigned to do time for my crime,

for all the lies to men and lying with men.

I signed up to marry a man I deemed at the time good enough, instead of great.

I felt guilty for my misdeeds, even the alleged ones he still suspects to this day.

Somehow I thought that a life of serving him might come close to redeeming the rough beginnings of our relationship:

a messy row of dominoes of cheating and lying.

Why do I feel that I owe him anything, after he has taken so much and given so little?

How can I build a strong marriage on a foundation of deception and shame?

It was harsh to give myself a life sentence.

Sweet Tooth

I’ve got a sweet tooth for untruths I speak when I think he is too bitter to handle new answers to old questions.

Part of me doesn’t care what he thinks of me because I’d be better off without him, but I don’t want him to bring the full weight of religious shame crashing down on my body.

Why do I find the forest more sacred than any church?

In nature, I can be a woman.

I try to maintain a semblance of integrity amidst the corrosivity of saccharine lies

Like going to bed without brushing my teeth after dessert, I know this is only wishful thinking.

What am I to do when he prods me with questions about my life that are none of his business?

I’ve already overshared and over cared.

Every time I repeat a lie to him because he is demanding that I relive painful experiences out loud against my will, it makes it harder to tell the truth.

He doesn’t treat me right. Even on our best days, he makes me pay for everything and do all the work to take care of him, so what do I owe him?

He has not demonstrated himself to be worthy of knowing my most personal memories, given his previous reactions.

Perhaps it is true that the truth will set me free, however I am too terrified to change my habits tonight.

Paradoxically, while I have not yet changed the habit of wrapping myself up in a protective cocoon of lies, I have changed the pattern of no longer flooding my body with sugar, which is a victory.

Trapped Truth

He demands the truth from me

I want to tell him but I don’t think he wants to hear

That his fears are both false and true

What’s a battered girl to do

You prod and poke

I divert and joke

Gasping for air under the heaviness in my heart

You want to know my story, where to start?

You can learning everything there is to know

Without asking questions, simply observe

I’m trying to move on from the past

Why do you bring me back

How many times will you bring me back?

I know he knows in his heart

The truth of the depths of my womb

Truth trapped in my mouth like a tomb

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

Heartbreaker

I will break your heart, darling
I will break your heart
It’s already started, darling
So we better part

I know that when you look at me
You’re damn sure you see
A future where I suture your wounded life
Nothing could be further from the truth, darling
I will only bring you strife

Baby, mark my words
You better turn and run soon
Because all I bring is pain
Try to win me over
And you’ll just torment your brain

I’m no cure for what ails you
I won’t even keep you warm at night
Darling, I tried to warn you
I can’t even begin to tell you
How wrong you are til we’re through
And your heart is black and blue
You’ll be bleeding on the floor
As I’m sweeping you out my door
And yet, you’ll be blinded by my light

I’m sorry to give you a false impression
I’ve been known to induce depression
Right now you can’t get enough
But baby, I’m not the good stuff
I’m just a girl whose grown tough in this old world

You think an angel fell upon ya
But baby, that’s not the case
Bless you child, I’m too wild
Keep your faith cuz
You’ll curse the day I ever looked your way
Mark my words, that’s what all my exes say

I’ve got a real long habit
Try as I might to nab it
Of letting people see what they want in me
I’m learning to tap the breaks on
This heartbreak train I’ve rode long
And so I sing this song to you

I will break your heart, darling
I will break your heart
It’s already started, darling
Though I try to stop

My love will wreck you slowly, darling
Surely as the sun does rise
You believe my lies, darling
Because you want them to be true
But this is only truth I’ll ever tell you:

I will break your heart