Sex, Money, Dishes

Tell me you’ve never fought with your partner about sex, money, or dishes.

Sex

I used to fight endlessly about sex, mainly because I didn’t want to have it but my partners did, so we’d fight and fuck, then I’d cry and be blinded by images of destroying my body or their body just to stop the rape and the torture of not feeling safe in my skin. Amazingly, we all survived and now I have a loving partner with whom I have gold-medal sex; you have to experience it to believe it, it’s like I’m cashing in on some sex fund which I invested in long ago. Happily I don’t fight about sex anymore- I’ve got a man I’m attracted to inside and out, and he loves me the way I want to be loved.

Money

I used to exchange sex for money. It seemed like there was always too much sex and not enough money in those transactions, or transgressions. Even those back-alley deals were more straight forward than my relationships in which sex was exchanged for the illusion of not being alone, for food, housing or ‘safety’, though I learned that the cost to my physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing which false relationships exacted was not worth the dinners, drinks, gifts of lingerie, attention or the roof over my head. You might get raped if you travel alone, but if you travel with a man you are guaranteed to get raped. Live within your means because fine dining won’t taste good if you are eating with a strange man, believe me I know. If you have to learn on your own I understand, however if my years of pain can help prevent a moment of your suffering, it will have been worth it.

Dishes

Rare is the man who finishes the dishes. Common are the men who stack the dishes artfully in the sink until there is barely room to turn on the faucet. I have noticed this pattern during my co-habitations with men. I’ve done too many dishes. It especially irks me when men drown sponges in the rinsed yet still not washed dish pile, unperturbed as the sponge decomposes into a musty mess. Men seem deaf to the silent cries of the forgotten dish sponge. Day after day, I rescue the sponge, wringing it out and restoring it to its rightful place safe on dry land, in sight. My man shows his love for me not only through our award-winning sex, but also through money (ie, responsibility for personal  finances to contribute to our future together) and dishes: ladies and gentlemen, my man did the dishes tonight, thus allowing me time to write the words you read. If a man loves you he will want to learn your love language, which you must teach him with patience, positive reinforcement, and more patience.

I grew up doing the dishes, in poverty, and sexually molested by family and friends. My sister would beat me when she got in trouble for not doing the dishes with me after we were told to do them, but the alternative would have been getting beaten by my parents for not doing the dishes, so I was going to get beat no matter what I did. I wished that someone would do the fucking dishes with me. A girl can get lonely amidst the dissolving suds.

HPV

She told me that I have HPV

Human papilloma virus: the ghost of ex-partners past came back to haunt me

I want to line up my exes: the awkward horn-bag teens, the sex clients who shortchanged and stole from me, the abusive drunks, dramatic douchebags, one-night-too-long one night stands, and interrogate them whodunnit.

I will never know, of course

I may have gotten HPV from dreadful fingering, though it was probably from unprotected intercourse

Intercourse most likely undesired, as most of the sex I’ve had was unwanted by me

It could have been worse, at least it was only HPV which I contracted after riding bareback on so many dozens of dicks- I don’t know now many men have slept with me, but any one of them could have easily given me HIV, somehow I was spared

God, you were there

Kids, don’t try this at home

I tell my cervix to hang in there, I will make it up to you, treat you right

My ex-boyfriends aimed and fired at my cervix: the bullseye of my reproductive tract

Whether I got HPV long ago or from my most recent mistake, it is in me now and I may lose a piece of me in a LEEP if I don’t overcome this virus

My LEEP will be a leap of faith that I will regrow intact and complete, heal myself and still have the power to create and give my baby a better life than mine

That is the goal in all I do, even the abortions I’ve endured were to make a better future for my children than the hell I’ve lived through

So listen little virus, I am a strong, powerful giant and I will destroy you

I’ve survived too much to be taken down by the likes of you- senseless double-strand of DNA who has consumed too many of my sisters, lost to the sands of time

You won’t take me, the war is on and it got personal

There is no way I’m going to let one of those awful men leave a lasting lesion on my body

I am the supreme iron dragon goddess warrior, and my healing potential is infinite

My abilities to love and forgive and understand are among my many strengths

Watch out, virus, watch out

Instead of spreading you to someone new, I will melt you with my amazing body, take you down with my brilliant immune system

You will no longer struggle to survive, you will unite with the Spirit which flows through all things, and you will flow right out of me in peace

 

In Case I Die Early

In case I die early

From the virus which I will be in close contact with for the foreseeable future

Rest assured that I lived a full life

I was intermittently enlightened, and there is no higher bliss than that

It took nearly my whole life, but I finally found love

I enjoyed exquisite physical pleasures and the connection of sacred partnership

My mind was often filled with colorful visions and my heart overflowed with music

I wrote wild poetry which I shared only with you, and a great many other things too

If you want to remember my life, take a deep breath and know that you are loved by the universe, that you are love itself

If you want to see me, look up at the sky and trees

If you want to hear my voice, listen to the river and the birds singing

If you want to feel me, place your hand over your heart, and know that we are not far apart

If I don’t die early, I’ll keep creating my visions to promote vibrant healing

But in case I die soon, I wanted you to know that I go peacefully, though I long to see my family and turn my dreams into reality to share them with you

Take care of yourselves, and each other

Take care of Mother Earth

You are supported by spirit with every breath

Corona

I wear my crown of martyrdom

On the front lines, yet still at the back of the testing line- haven’t been tested

I think of you, virus, though you do not think of me

Coronavirus, on the news

Coronavirus, in my body

Is the aching in my muscles and bones your calling card?

You desire to enter my cells, virus, as much as I long to keep you out

Together, yet separately, we hunger

You want to pick my lock, use my typewriter to transcribe your RNA, then mail your enveloped self-promoting propaganda air mail special to Hadestown.

Don’t bring me down on the way, I pray

Not like this, not today

My heart breaks to think of those who have lost their lives to you, and those who needlessly will still

My head is intoxicated with fear

You always seem too near

Perhaps we Americans deserve the repercussions of our recklessness

Though it is the innocent who pay, as usual

Another day deep

I march on with trembling hands and heavy feet

Tracking invisible mud out of the wards and onto the street

Ashamed to stay in the job I was fixing to quit anyway,

Ashamed to leave now and abandon my post

The war is on, dwarfing the existential crisis of living the life I want versus fulfilling my societal obligation

I am among the minority who have a medical education

Only in following my heart can I grow up at last, no longer a slave to the judgements of others who do not bear my burden

My mind’s liberation opens up like a blue sky

Back to here and now, overcast again

In clinic and in the hospital

I struggle to bring my heart into the mundane and mission-impossible tasks which overflow from one day to the next

Virus, I gaze at your storm clouds accumulating on the horizon, and feel small

I see your silver lining, as I am well practiced in finding positivity amidst disaster

You are rich in potential

Look at the way you are uniting humanity, virus

People are taking care of themselves and each other like never before

Practicing presence in hospital hallways and supermarket aisles, smiling shyly at each other from behind our suffocating masks

We are finally being mindful of our precious resources, thinking globally and acting locally for sustainable solutions

We are cultivating more community and camaraderie than we could ever quantify

Teamwork and solidarity are weaving our spirits more closely together even as the physical distance between our bodies grows

I take a step back to take in the beauty of the tapestry you wove, virus

You bring opportunity for innovation and flexibility, you demand it

Many of us no longer take life for granted

We are cleaning our hands as often as we always should have

People are being prioritized over profits as we focus on what is essential

We settle in, acknowledging at last that we are in the same boat

Living in unspoken gratitude for each day of health

Please don’t rock my boat too much, virus

Though you are armed with cunning skills

And you may bring about more positive change still

I plan to ride out this storm, though land is not in sight

Virus, perhaps you could rest tonight?

Virus, my type II pneumocytes are mine, my lungs are a celebration of life and you are not invited

I wind-down after another day on the front lines,

I give thanks to those who are doing their part in time

To those in the comfort of your own homes,

Please stay where you are, be satisfied

Coronavirus, we will destroy you with patience and ingenuity, with solidarity and community, with soap and water, and with love for one another

Thread

It is you again

Suicidal ideation, my old friend

You are the shadow lurking outside my window

You are always there in my time of greatest need

When my sanity is hanging by a thread

And I am tempted to see if I’d be better off dead

I hang off that thread and gaze over the precipice into the dark abyss

I let go with one finger, only four more, why linger?

My thoughts are a razor blade cutting into the thread like a sharp violin bow

Drawn across the thread of my sanity again and again

Though the depths call me and freedom beckons me to let go

I tie a knot at the end of the thread instead

I recall that nothing lasts forever, not even my shame, not even my pain

I know that I have infinite potential

I set my intention to direct my attention and begin my ascension

I climb, as I have many a time

Suicidality, old friend, thank you for coming to visit but I don’t have to invite you in

Over the years I have transformed, but you remain the same

I know you want only to relieve my suffering, but there are other ways to achieve liberation from suffering which do not involve breaking hearts

I meditate on that, to start

I feel my feet on solid ground again

I bow in deep gratitude to you, my friend

Let Every Moment be a Song

Let every moment be a song from your heart

This is a song without an end, without a start

Let every moment be a song from your heart,

Boom badoomboom boom badoomboom boom

With each beat of your heart may you feel loved

With each beat may you shine out that love

With each beat may you share it up above

and below and out and in

and out

Let every moment be a song from your heart

It doesn’t have to loud or smart

Let every moment be an expression of peace

Peace in your heart is where peace always starts

How far your peace will go, nobody knows

I hope your peace comes back to you

I hope you can feel my peace too

With each breath may you feel blessed

Each moment may you feel loved, at peace, and blessed

One day we’ll pass away

Where we’ll go nobody knows

When that time comes, may we rest

Until then, may you feel your heart overflow with love and peace

May you share it with those you know

and those you haven’t met

When we die, we will leave our bodies behind

Perhaps we will be able to bring peace and love with us, though we will have no pockets or hands

I practice love and peace in my life

Though I forget sometimes that I am love, I remember again

My life is more sacred than I know, made more precious by inevitable death

May every moment be a song of love from my heart

May my inner peace be a light in the dark

May your song fill you with joy

If it doesn’t, change your song

We all sing along on the one and only stage of life

When the High Wears Off

You can drink and smoke and swallow

Sniff and huff and wallow

Burn it up, inject it in

But no amount of noise will silence the din

I hear the roar of your pain

I see the fire in your brain

Anxiety and depression rage

Fueling the words on this page

I’ve tried it all

I’ve had a ball

I’ve lived through hell

Just to tell

What I have learned

What I have earned

Highs are temporary

Where will I be

When my next high wears off

Highs always wear off…

After chasing many a transient high

Which only left me feeling low

I’m building upward toward the sky

Growing that inner glow

I’m creating a sense of safe space to come home to

After another long day of battling anxiety monsters and depression demons

My mental sanctuary is invisible, yet indispensable

It is my daily practice, my intention, my breath

My practice is to remind myself that I belong here

Even if I don’t believe it at first

I am worthy

Even if I don’t allow myself to receive at first

I am a person

Even though I’ve spent a lifetime of feeling lesser-than

Of feeling like I owed my life to strangers

I’ve survived so many dangers

I’m lucky

I’m ready

To start living

To feel beyond high

Cultivating a sustainable solution without bodily pollution

Emotional storms are best weathered while wearing a life vest

So I envelope my chest with positive visualizations

Letting my heart garden blossom and thrive

With this breath, I am alive

I am beyond high

Immunizations and Sun Salutations

I stand at the crossroads

Between immunizations and sun salutations

Walking the line between

East in my heart and

West in my mind

I look down at my moral compass, then up at the stars

I rest on my yoga mat

As I third-eye gaze beyond mental bars

Melting away that which keeps me confined

Letting go of that which was never mine

Opening my awareness

To the countless expressions of love

Which surround us

Including these words

Which I lovingly write for you

Immunizations and sun salutations

Are manifestations of love too

I thrive with both

I want you to know

So that you can thrive too

Because I love you

Alice in Recoveryland

Alice had her heart broken

When she was quite small

And healing a broken heart

Isn’t easy at all

So she drank

To forget it all

But she couldn’t forget,

Even when she felt tall

In fact, the more she drank

The more she felt like she was falling

And falling…

Until- kerplunk!

She hit rock bottom, landed on her badunk

She had no where to go but up

But getting up is hard when you are on your badunk

Though Alice was hurting, she was also incredibly strong

So she climbed and she climbed, though her journey was long

To this day, she is climbing still

She is higher than she ever felt when she was looking out over windowsills

In towers guarded by grumpy ogreish men

Alice is a survivor, and she’d survive it all again

Her heart may have been broken,

But it never stopped beating

Though the sweetness of love was fleeting

And the bitter years of sadness and tears

Left a sting on her cheek and made her feel meek

She is finding her true voice

She is exercising her choice

To express herself in this world

Hers is the story of one small girl

Who grew into womanhood

The only way she could

Smoking this, drinking that

Sleeping with men wearing mad hats

Alice is every woman, in a way

Doing her best to recover from her past today

Building herself a better future

Re-writing her fairy tale

After giving so many men happy endings

She is creating a happy ending for herself

Filled with love, hope, and peace

Blue Glass

I am not OK

I’ve spent a life time lying,

Sticking to the script, saying that I’m fine

I learned as a child to be truthless

Because honesty only got me neglectful rejection

And beat-downs, ruthless

I was trained to be out of touch with my feelings

For a decades, I’ve been reeling

Coming home to my body, battered and bruised

Healing deep emotional wounds

In my family, failure was not an option

I prayed, even as an adult, for adoption

Periodically I stumble through patches of suicidal ideation

Homicidal visions to destroy all of creation

Just to find peace

Do you know what I mean?

I make ends meet, though I’ve stolen and cheated

Swimming upstream, never defeated

I don’t trust anyone with the truth about my life

I don’t want to rehash it, don’t want to unravel it

As a teenager, I used to beat off to Gravel Pit

I am not Ok, and I am Ok with that

I should probably ‘get help’, but the thing about people

Is that they make me uneasy

Can you blame me?

You can shame me, but whatever you are thinking,

I’m sure I’ve done worse

I seem Ok, like a high-functioning addict

Storing up empty bottles in my attic

Just to see sunlight shine through blue glass

Behold the beauty of my realized potential at last