Life Sentence

I resigned to do time for my crime,

for all the lies to men and lying with men.

I signed up to marry a man I deemed at the time good enough, instead of great.

I felt guilty for my misdeeds, even the alleged ones he still suspects to this day.

Somehow I thought that a life of serving him might come close to redeeming the rough beginnings of our relationship:

a messy row of dominoes of cheating and lying.

Why do I feel that I owe him anything, after he has taken so much and given so little?

How can I build a strong marriage on a foundation of deception and shame?

It was harsh to give myself a life sentence.

Surrender

I tried so hard to do what I thought was wanted of me by my parents

I aborted my pregnancies conceived out of wedlock

I got engaged and married- thought I was following the script to be accepted and approved by my family

Yet my marriage somehow sparked a crises, as if it were an unforgivable crime

In their eyes it wasn’t with the right man or at the right time

I tried so hard, gave the ultimate sacrifice

Yet I still haven’t come close to getting it right, in their eyes

I give up on trying to make them happy

I surrender

I no longer take the bait of their meltdowns, no longer jump to their rescue

I live for my own happiness now

How much more obtainable a goal

How effortless compared to the burden I’ve been hauling

I practically float away from the wreck of our relationship