I resigned to do time for my crime,
for all the lies to men and lying with men.
I signed up to marry a man I deemed at the time good enough, instead of great.
I felt guilty for my misdeeds, even the alleged ones he still suspects to this day.
Somehow I thought that a life of serving him might come close to redeeming the rough beginnings of our relationship:
a messy row of dominoes of cheating and lying.
Why do I feel that I owe him anything, after he has taken so much and given so little?
How can I build a strong marriage on a foundation of deception and shame?
It was harsh to give myself a life sentence.
I tried so hard to do what I thought was wanted of me by my parents
I aborted my pregnancies conceived out of wedlock
I got engaged and married- thought I was following the script to be accepted and approved by my family
Yet my marriage somehow sparked a crises, as if it were an unforgivable crime
In their eyes it wasn’t with the right man or at the right time
I tried so hard, gave the ultimate sacrifice
Yet I still haven’t come close to getting it right, in their eyes
I give up on trying to make them happy
I no longer take the bait of their meltdowns, no longer jump to their rescue
I live for my own happiness now
How much more obtainable a goal
How effortless compared to the burden I’ve been hauling
I practically float away from the wreck of our relationship