The Missing Ingredient

I finally found the ingredient that was missing in all my previous relationships: forgiveness.

Besides the fact that I repeatedly dated needy, jealous, dramatic, alcoholic, narcissistic, energy vampire, borderline personality disorder types, my relationships failed because I failed to forgive.

My marriage is infinitely sweeter now that I am no longer clinging bitterly to expectations and resenting my partner when he falls short, no matter how reasonable my requests seem to me.

I give myself and my partner permission to mess up endlessly; to selfishly waste time and money and to be forgiven even for our own inability to forgive.

Newly armed with this panacea to soothe any interpersonal wound, my ex-boyfriends don’t seem sinister after all, but simply in need of forgiveness.

The floodgates of my heart swing wide open and I feel pure love wash our transgressions clean.

When I get lost in the humanness of my life, may I return home to a heart connected to the Divine.

May I be both forgiven and forgiver.

I finally hear you, sacred silence.

Marriage

Behind the curtain of marriage I treasure the single men I know, each one a potential gem who would surely treat me better than my husband does.

I imagine how they would listen to me as we engage in stimulating conversations over a meal they provided, how respectful and grateful they would act, how passionate as lovers, how giving and attentive.

I fantasize about men who balance their check books and clean up after themselves, men who are calm and communicate maturely, who do the damn dishes, who save money or at least spend it on their family, who let go of past hurts, evolve and hold space for me to do the same.

I try to make myself at home within the sound-proof confines of my marriage, though the walls threaten to close in and crush me; both execution device and tomb.

Within the secret tortures of my marriage, my husband and I fight fervently leading up to the moment that we arrive out our friends’ houses, quickly plastering smiles on our faces as we ring the doorbell.

My veins are scalded by resentment for all the ways my husband takes miles without giving an inch.

I scan the horizon for a silver lining, a way to improve my situation: so far marriage counseling, life coaching and me doing the work on myself have all fallen short.

Yet deep below the cracks in our relationship, I sense a fertile humus.

We share more than our sordid history together; we make a home and a family.

We are united in our love for our baby, though we often disagree bitterly on how to raise her.

We share a commitment to our life together and a vision of our future, though we put different amounts of effort and resources towards both: in our relationship, I do all the earning and handle all the responsibilities for our household.

He drags down my energy and my finances, invoking a slow and destitute death.

Perhaps I’m not in a position to judge him: maybe he is the better one and I am the bitter one.

For now, I remain hidden behind the curtain of marriage, bound to my husband and yet alone.

Anxiety, Again

It happened again.

Anxiety wrapped me up so tightly I must untangle myself with scribbles that you are kind enough to read.

Socializing leaves me aching with regret for the words I said wrong and the words I didn’t say.

I feel like a failure, even though I know that is a harsh conclusion, I feel it still.

I feel inept, like no matter what I do I won’t ever feel comfortable in social situations.

Even though I have undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder, as is more common in females. Even though I have worked painfully hard to hide my differentness, my social awkwardness rarely stays below ground for long.

In the game of whac-a-mole, the moles keep popping up no matter how many I whack.

Self-love, self-compassion, forgiveness, humor, perspective, reassurance that I belong in this human family, in this world, that I am enough, that I am worthy of love, as we all are: these are the treasures I have gathered along my journey.

These are the treasures I hope you find and cherish as well. They must be carefully cultivated, nourished and loved.

May you feel nourished and loved.

May you rest on the shores of peace.

Inhale what you need. Exhale what is no longer serving you.

All is well, even when we are under cloud cover, the clear sky remains above all.

For the duration of my whole life, the sun has never stopped shining- there were only times that I couldn’t see it.

The moon is a reminder of what I don’t see.

Maybe everybody feels this way sometimes, and it is normal and ok.

May I remember that I am blessed beyond measure even during the uncomfortable moments of this human journey.

Storms will rise, then pass.

May my breath be my anchor to weather me through until I see the sky of blue again.

Self Love

I love me, even if I say it sheepishly

I love me, so you’ve got to let me be

Even if in your mind I am still a caged animal

What matters is that in my mind I am a soaring and roaring and free from your attempts to limit my potential and happiness

I love myself, though it took me a lifetime to learn

Frozen in fear, chained to a sense of obligation

I believed I was responsible for everybody else’s feelings; those around me felt awful, so I felt worse

I am only responsible for myself, and I am learning to care for myself with a fraction of what I’ve given to others

Standing at the crossroads of the future and the past

Searching for a way to make this moment last

The future came and passed

All we have is the eternal now

The sun blinds my gaze

I bow my head, lower my eyes in humility

Bask in all that is illuminated

This is for us

Even when we are persecuted and oppressed

This world is for all of us

Let the haters hate themselves

I stand strong in love

I am rooted in love, overflowing with love

Love nourishes and protects me, uplifts me and sustains me

May I remember this moment when I feel weak and defeated

May I refill my cup before I am completely depleted

I cultivate my spirit, pull out the weeds from the garden of my heart

What I used to perceive as my weakness was my strength all along

Train

Held by this train

I am forced to take a break from my constant doing

I surrender to gentle rocking, held softly between steel rails

I search for a pencil and find only a pen, reminding me that I cannot undo

the mistakes I have made

I sit with myself, take responsibility for my monstrous actions

I let go of my striving to be the smartest in the room, the prettiest in the picture, the most fiercely independent

I practice radical self-acceptance instead of my usual devastation when I am inevitably imperfect

A young man getting off the train says something to everyone as he passes

He gives us his blessing, tells us to stay cool in this heat

I wonder what he is high on, and am willing to partake

The train moves on without him, gliding through the evening light

I pause my own racing thoughts to bask in the blessing from a stranger on a train

Ever moving between two rails, I dedicate a moment of my journey to gratitude

Trapped Truth

He demands the truth from me

I want to tell him but I don’t think he wants to hear

That his fears are both false and true

What’s a battered girl to do

You prod and poke

I divert and joke

Gasping for air under the heaviness in my heart

You want to know my story, where to start?

You can learning everything there is to know

Without asking questions, simply observe

I’m trying to move on from the past

Why do you bring me back

How many times will you bring me back?

I know he knows in his heart

The truth of the depths of my womb

Truth trapped in my mouth like a tomb

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

HPV

She told me that I have HPV

Human papilloma virus: the ghost of ex-partners past came back to haunt me

I want to line up my exes: the awkward horn-bag teens, the sex clients who shortchanged and stole from me, the abusive drunks, dramatic douchebags, one-night-too-long one night stands, and interrogate them whodunnit.

I will never know, of course

I may have gotten HPV from dreadful fingering, though it was probably from unprotected intercourse

Intercourse most likely undesired, as most of the sex I’ve had was unwanted by me

It could have been worse, at least it was only HPV which I contracted after riding bareback on so many dozens of dicks- I don’t know now many men have slept with me, but any one of them could have easily given me HIV, somehow I was spared

God, you were there

Kids, don’t try this at home

I tell my cervix to hang in there, I will make it up to you, treat you right

My ex-boyfriends aimed and fired at my cervix: the bullseye of my reproductive tract

Whether I got HPV long ago or from my most recent mistake, it is in me now and I may lose a piece of me in a LEEP if I don’t overcome this virus

My LEEP will be a leap of faith that I will regrow intact and complete, heal myself and still have the power to create and give my baby a better life than mine

That is the goal in all I do, even the abortions I’ve endured were to make a better future for my children than the hell I’ve lived through

So listen little virus, I am a strong, powerful giant and I will destroy you

I’ve survived too much to be taken down by the likes of you- senseless double-strand of DNA who has consumed too many of my sisters, lost to the sands of time

You won’t take me, the war is on and it got personal

There is no way I’m going to let one of those awful men leave a lasting lesion on my body

I am the supreme iron dragon goddess warrior, and my healing potential is infinite

My abilities to love and forgive and understand are among my many strengths

Watch out, virus, watch out

Instead of spreading you to someone new, I will melt you with my amazing body, take you down with my brilliant immune system

You will no longer struggle to survive, you will unite with the Spirit which flows through all things, and you will flow right out of me in peace

 

Blue Glass

I am not OK

I’ve spent a life time lying,

Sticking to the script, saying that I’m fine

I learned as a child to be truthless

Because honesty only got me neglectful rejection

And beat-downs, ruthless

I was trained to be out of touch with my feelings

For a decades, I’ve been reeling

Coming home to my body, battered and bruised

Healing deep emotional wounds

In my family, failure was not an option

I prayed, even as an adult, for adoption

Periodically I stumble through patches of suicidal ideation

Homicidal visions to destroy all of creation

Just to find peace

Do you know what I mean?

I make ends meet, though I’ve stolen and cheated

Swimming upstream, never defeated

I don’t trust anyone with the truth about my life

I don’t want to rehash it, don’t want to unravel it

As a teenager, I used to beat off to Gravel Pit

I am not Ok, and I am Ok with that

I should probably ‘get help’, but the thing about people

Is that they make me uneasy

Can you blame me?

You can shame me, but whatever you are thinking,

I’m sure I’ve done worse

I seem Ok, like a high-functioning addict

Storing up empty bottles in my attic

Just to see sunlight shine through blue glass

Behold the beauty of my realized potential at last

Dear Body

Dear Body,
I am sorry.
I am so sorry that I yet again knowingly harmed you and put you at risk.
I let a bare penis inside you, belonging to a man I barely knew.
Then I washed my morose down with several pints of ice cream.
I know damn well the risks of unprotected sex, and of ice cream.
And yet, and yet, how many times, body?
How many times will I humbly ask for your forgiveness.
Henceforth, body, may I treat you right.
Please body, forgive me tonight.
Sincerely,
Me

Absinthe and Abstinence

Instead of drinking absinthe

I wish I’d practiced abstinence

Absinthe passed through my lips

You followed suit, more than just the tip

I was butter and you were the knife

Wish I could take back that night

Spread out like jam on toast

On a Manhattan mattress, we did the most

It got so hot, we were the roast

But I was the one who got burned

Absinthe, you brought on sweat, blood and tears

Abstinence, you would have spared me much fear

Absinthe, why’d you help me undress?

Abstinence, you would have prevented stress

Absinthe, you never delivered that green fairy

Abstinence, your fruit is sweeter than the ripest berry

Absinthe, under your tutelage I’ve grown wary

Now I practice abstinence

From every Tom, Dick and Harry

and all the other men who didn’t have my best interest at heart-

You protested loudly when I told you we had to part.

You don’t have to understand

You just have to know that you’re not my man.