The Big Thing

I used to think that he was the Big Thing, the key to my happiness.

I fell for my teenage crush like he was the sole source of ecstatic love in the world.

When my feelings were not reciprocated, my thirst for the Big Thing all but destroyed me.

Now I know that no one can give me the Big Thing.

Nor is the Big Thing to be found in any book or food or herbal supplement, not in any class or retreat, and not in any one place or experience if it is not in equal distribution throughout everything, everywhere, all at once.

I am the Big Thing, and so are you.


In the field beyond words

Our spirits meet

I’m not too blinded by the light to see your energy and delight in the way the wildflowers sway with us

Physically, I am bound in this life

In spirit, I am boundless

That field beyond words is our playground, filled with passion and joy, gratitude and care

It is easy for relationships to seem perfect when they aren’t actually happening

I wonder if you have a sense of my spirit’s desire to bond with yours

I used to think all beings were one spirit, but it is more fun to flirt with another than with self

I used to take for granted that a spirit bond was enough, then I lost the one I loved

His absence taught me the importance of being there, of showing up

I stand here in the field with so much love to share


I want to plunge into you

Get lost and find my way through

If I dive into your deep blue

I don’t want to hurt me or you

Though I know that diving into someone’s heart is not without risk

I wish I knew how to plunge gently

I like having you around, at least for now

But when we’re inside out and upside down

I hope I remember that you were a good friend

That gives me courage to plunge into your eyes, your arms, your mind, your charms

I want to surround myself with you, to take and to give

Please, plunge in

The Thirteen-Handed Man

Man, you got me writing in this journal like an adolescent girl

My heart gushing forth while my mind’s in a twirl

I haven’t crushed this hard since I can’t remember, and probably longer still

You’re half comedian, half musician, and 100% enlightened genius skill

You must have a lot of girls climbing up your hill

There’s so much I wanted to say to you, but I hold myself back still

I wanted to dance to your music wildly, sit next to you in the circle

Be the first to hug you, jump into all of your arms

My inner alarms played their broken-record tune, ‘you’re shy, you aren’t worthy, it isn’t safe to follow your heart’.

Your voice sang smooth as the moon, and I swooned

There is so much I wanted to ask you, about where you’re going and where you’ve been

So much I wanted to applaud about you, to share and offer you

Helping you is the least I could do

Even the man with thirteen hands could use an extra hand sometimes

Should you need them, my hands are here for you


You appeared out of the haze

With your calming presence and all the colors I’d never seen that you shared with the people in your life and those in strife

You opened my eyes, caught my eye with your constant creation of beauty

It brought me joy to know that you were out there painting your rainbow

I thought that I could be your pot of gold and you might want to grow old

On sunny days we’d play outside, on rainy days we’d hide in a world all our own

I’d built a fort with you, cook you a pot of stew

I’d read to you at night

If that’s what you were into

But if you would rather not, that’s fine

I know I’ve broken a heart or two

I’d hate to do that to you

It’s not my intention

But you caught my attention

Honey, let me know which way your wind is blowing

We can ride the seasons

Spring or snow, I’d like to know if you will be in my life to share a cup of tea

So let’s take a sip and take a dip

The sun is high in the sky

I feel like I could fly

Like your paintbrush, without limits

Thank you for inspiring this song, I could sing it all day long

But I tell myself I’m too busy, I make myself dizzy

When I simmer down, I hope you’re next to me on the ground

I’ll paint a picture of what I want my life to be

How sweet it would have been to let this poem end on the naive note of my initial school-girl crush that was later crushed by your true colors. I find old poems like time capsules and marvel at how much has changed.

You probably didn’t realize what a huge trauma trigger your words of shame and smacks of cruel violence would be for me. I don’t know who gets off on receiving that but I know it isn’t me. I summed it up in the poem I wrote on the way to visit you about escaping a predator like my body knew long before your actions rang true. The picture of my ideal life no longer includes you.

Song in My Heart

I have a song in my heart

I sing it when we are apart

When you are near

I am silenced by fear

I want to sing you my song

What happens to my voice

Is it even a choice

I want to believe that I am free

All I can do is try to sing to you

I have a song in my heart

A song like the wind that blows clouds apart

The sun shines for all

Remember this next time your heart falls

You have a song in your heart

You’ve had it from the start

You have a song that beats all day long

In the quiet of the night you can hear it

If you listen to the song in your heart

I feel the rhythm in all

Glance Hall

What’s that I thought I saw

It’s nothing at all

Or maybe it was everything

You could be everything to me

I could be everything to you

Why do we disguise ourselves

What’s that I thought I saw

You glanced my way in the hall

Was it nothing or was it everything

You turned your gaze my way after I looked at you

By then, my hope was through

I had looked away by the time your eyes fell on me

Then you gave up and looked away again

I looked back at you

When will we meet

When will our feet stop

When will our hearts stop

When will we see that there is no difference between you and me

Was there ever any at all

First Sight

I keep my eyes wide open and my feet on the ground all the time

I saw you there, you reached for my hair and I wrote this rhyme

Am I levitating or am I meditating without a dime

I keep my eyes wide open and my feet on the ground both day and night

Though I want you around

I’ve got to slow down, ain’t that right

We both know well that the road to hell is a slippery slope

Once you start to fall, you’ll be desperately clawing for a rope

As you fall down there might not be a rope around til you’re on the ground, all the way down

In this life full of mystery what do you mean to me, we’ll have to see

What do I mean to you, we might not know til the sun is low and that’s ok, I’ll wait and stay

I’ll keep my eyes wide open and my feet on the ground til you come around