Poetry

Poetry won’t stop leaking out of me
My hands get a tingle
My mind sings a jingle
I search for paper on which to scratch
Anything within reach
Backs of receipts, napkins, old scraps
All other activity falls to the wayside
Until I see the poem before my eyes

I write about the unspoken suffering of my life
Of being brutally silenced
Since infancy I was trained not to cry when I wanted to cry
My feelings were an inconvenience to those by my side
I came to understand that my needs were not important enough to be expressed, and if I made the mistake of even showing how I felt through my face or my body, such truth was beaten out of me by those closest to me
Far worse than the violence was the mental abuse
and even worse than the mental abuse was the neglect
Sometimes I felt invisible and other times I felt like I wasn’t invisible enough
I wished that I could fly away
The shouting was so loud, where could I hide?
I locked my door but they always burst inside
No boundaries
I cried in secret silence everyday
I learned that I existed to be what others wanted me to be
I delivered what was required
Though inside me raged a fire
The primordial desire
To be free
I’d give anything to live just for me

When I became grown, I left home
But my well-trained brain followed me wherever I roamed
Autonomy is foreign to me
I met many lovers but they always chose me
Because I pleased them easily
I never returned the favor
Of serving up the criticism they so abundantly showered upon me

Joyfully, I recently discovered that the suffering of my life has a name;                                                            Narcissistic Abuse
There are healthier ways to love, ladies and gentlemen
I want more harmony and less harm done to me
I am trying to create a life that I want to live,
One where I give from my heart instead of feeling like a marionette jerked around by the malicious hands of fear

I want to tell others how I feel and what I am thinking
Speak from my heart
Release my throat chakra
Weave a tapestry with the golden thread of my truth
Relentlessly I work at this nearly impossible task
Like a seed below the soil, the only place I have to grow is toward the sun
But healing my mind feels like building a castle on quicksand
My efforts collapse, fall and fail every day

I must remember to give myself compassion, the way I try to give my abusers compassion
I have succeeded before in speaking my mind
With every break-up, no matter how clumsy my wording or how long it took me to work up the courage
I want to tell my exes that when I hurt them by finally breaking up with them, it was because I was trying to reclaim my life and honor both of us
God, have I suffered at the hands of men
When they hurt me, it was because they were trying to get a rise out of me, or hurt me out of spite
I want to tell them: Get a life, you jerks

May they stop terrorizing me and find inner peace swiftly

I feel awful about the things I’ve done that I didn’t want to do
Especially the things I’ve done with men
The sex was violent, violating, painful and humiliating
If only I could forget it, but even my body remembers
I think I will always see men as perpetrators, even though not all of them are
An overwhelming amount of the ones I’ve known are
I struggle to shake them off me when they’re ready to rape me yet they’re nowhere to be found when I’m ready to abort our unplanned pregnancies
That excruciating physical and emotional pain is just for me

The bloody landscape of no man’s land

I understand that as an adult survivor of child abuse, I attract abusers
I’m developing a repellant
By noticing patterns and breaking them
Prevent problems before they start
The best defense is a good offense

I still worry
Worry that my heart will always feel broken
Worry that the countless times I was raped will catch up with me in the form of STDs or infertility
I worry that I will always live in fear
I worry that I will always worry
I worry that I will feel sad and mad all my life
I worry that I will continue to suffer though I shouldn’t worry about that because suffering is guaranteed and worrying will do no good
Life is pain
That’s the rule of the game
I can still win the game of life even though I was born with disadvantages, for my advantages are greater still
I have hope and heart
I’m writing a happy ending to my story
I am writing with a golden pen of glory
I am writing unstoppable poetry
Until victory, always

Thank you.

Dance with the Devil

I’ve met the Devil plenty of times
He’s a man with a drink in his hand, asking for mine
He’ll buy me a drink and drop a few dimes
But in the end, he’s just another waste of my time

I’ve seen the Devil at close range
I feel his eyes on me; he looks at me strange
When I hesitate to perform his every wish
(Whether or not I know what his wish is)

At first I make him happier than he’s ever felt before
Until I leave his heart panting on the floor
I survive with him til I remember how much I’d thrive without him

Like anesthesia, my amnesia wears off eventually

And when it does it’s like I wake up in the middle of surgery

Open heart in a bloody mess, I struggle to pick myself up and get dressed

Headed for the horizon, under duress, yet determined and strong, I sing my single song

Until I meet my sacred Devil again

And he gives me another chance to burn, another opportunity to learn

How many times must I learn how to get out of a toxic relationship?

Please, let this be the last time

The key lies in prevention, so I laid down a one simple rule:

Never be alone with a man behind closed doors, especially when alcohol is involved

The Devil likes to dance naked with me
His dick points at me like a compass needle
And I’m due-North, though I’d like to head South
His dick feels like a poison mushroom in my mouth
I want to spit it out, and shout:

Devil be gone- we’ve been dancing too long!
My feet hurt and they’re caked with dirt
Haven’t we made each other suffer enough?
Surely, your attachment to me feels rough
When I rip myself away

I’ve ripped myself away from the Devil
Plenty and plenty of times
I hope that I can quit him for life
You are my witness by reading this rhyme

Single Song

Single Song

There is no one I want to answer to
No one I want to kiss
No one I want to have sex with
No one that I miss
There is no one I want to touch
No one I want to touch me
No one I want to be smothered by
No one I want to be annoyed by
And they are all annoying
With their demands on my time, my energy, my body
Most of all, my body
My strong, beautiful body
That has suffered too much for too long
There is no one I want to have as my adult child
To answer to their beck and call
No one I want to be with
Until the next time I fall
And I will fall
And I will bounce back
And I will rejoice
In being single again

Breaking the Record

Breaking the Record

My broken-record mind is stuck on the belief that
It is my job to make people happy
And if I fail to do so, I will be harmed and possibly killed
This leads me to spend my hard-earned money
Directly or indirectly for the cause of making people happy
And to spend my time doing things that I hope will make people happy
And my actions are dedicated to making people happy
And my words are carefully selected to make people happy
And when it comes to men
I put my body at great risk
In the name of making them happy
Despite all my efforts
I remain alone and afraid
Exhausted and depleted
With no time, money or peace of mind
And I am not happy
And the people in my life are not happy
And it frees me to know that I could never make anyone but myself happy
And whether they know it or not,
Other people’s happiness can only come from within
It never had anything to do with me
And I begin to sit still
And I begin to listen
And I begin to rest and relax
And I begin to be happy
My inner-happiness seed is still under the soil
But I feel the water and the sun
My growing has begun
Although people may not yet see it
I feel it
I heal it
I heal it by breaking the broken record more
I smash it to pieces and throw it out my door
I don’t need that old tune anymore
It was becoming a bore
I need to soar
To the beat of a new song
To dance all day long
It goes like this;
I can do anything, including what scares me
I can do the things that I never thought I could do
The power was always been within me to choose
I just didn’t know it
But now I know it forevermore
And I want you to know
That you have the same power
To heal yourself
It is always within you
What broken record do you need to break more
So that you are free from it
And your spirit song can soar?

Heartbreaker

I will break your heart, darling
I will break your heart
It’s already started, darling
So we better part

I know that when you look at me
You’re damn sure you see
A future where I suture your wounded life
Nothing could be further from the truth, darling
I will only bring you strife

Baby, mark my words
You better turn and run soon
Because all I bring is pain
Try to win me over
And you’ll just torment your brain

I’m no cure for what ails you
I won’t even keep you warm at night
Darling, I tried to warn you
I can’t even begin to tell you
How wrong you are til we’re through
And your heart is black and blue
You’ll be bleeding on the floor
As I’m sweeping you out my door
And yet, you’ll be blinded by my light

I’m sorry to give you a false impression
I’ve been known to induce depression
Right now you can’t get enough
But baby, I’m not the good stuff
I’m just a girl whose grown tough in this old world

You think an angel fell upon ya
But baby, that’s not the case
Bless you child, I’m too wild
Keep your faith cuz
You’ll curse the day I ever looked your way
Mark my words, that’s what all my exes say

I’ve got a real long habit
Try as I might to nab it
Of letting people see what they want in me
I’m learning to tap the breaks on
This heartbreak train I’ve rode long
And so I sing this song to you

I will break your heart, darling
I will break your heart
It’s already started, darling
Though I try to stop

My love will wreck you slowly, darling
Surely as the sun does rise
You believe my lies, darling
Because you want them to be true
But this is only truth I’ll ever tell you:

I will break your heart