Guys I’ve Dated

I’ve dated guys whose eyes watered from the burn of undiluted wasabi

Thinking they were Japanese cuisine purists, they were only fooling themselves

He judged others for cutting off their chi from wearing their socks too tight while his own panties were in a bunch

He took me to a restaurant where the jazz was so loud we couldn’t hear ourselves

He didn’t intend to listen to me anyway, I found out later that night

I’ve dated guys I could only wash down with an unhealthy amount of alcohol

Guys who made gourmet meals taste bland with their predatory presence

I’ve dated guys who tried to shame and control me

They must feel so ashamed and out of control themselves

I was never into that scene

I’ve dated guys who believed their suffering was unique, artists who didn’t want to feel understood

I’ve dated guys who made me feel special for a time, until I realized that they only wanted me to make them feel special

They didn’t see me as a person, but a tool to be used, an addiction to leave them unsatisfied

I’ve dated guys who drank too much and called out for me in the middle of the night like a babe to its mother

Like a mother to a babe, I gave them my teat

The narcissistic and manipulative, the accusatory and dramatic

Guys who implied suicide if I ever left their side, yet somehow they are still living

Guys who stalked me and threatened me with their bodies

I prayed for boundaries

My man isn’t like those other guys

But he wants to know how many, and why

All I can do is bask in relief and sigh

Grateful, deeply grateful

He

He doesn’t get our inside jokes, darling

The innuendos that brought us endless laughter

He and I are still finding our humor, creating our culture, letting our formalities dissolve while our lust perches like a vulture

His body doesn’t fit with mine quite like yours did, darling

He and I are still finding our rhythm, dancing between air and fire, respect and desire

He remains a mystery to me in his newness, our future unfurls like a blank scroll ready to sacrifice it’s unwritten perfection in the name of living. We hold our pends awkwardly, unsure what to write. Our flaws will reveal themselves soon enough.

You are as well known to me as my favorite book- familiar stories I was raised on, that well-worn trauma track that feels like home. Pages stained, underlined and dog-eared, cover falling off. I know our lines by heart.

He’s not you, and what he and I have will never be what you and I had, thank God.

You hand picked me wild flower bouquets. He texts me rose emojis.

He doesn’t know our struggles, darling, nor our successes.

But he treats me better than you did.

You treated me like a princess but also like a prisoner. Your arms were my shelter, and my jail cell.

All those sweet cocktails only brought your bitterness to the surface. You drunkenly lashed out at me time and time again, and that is why we can no longer be.

I am with him now, and our journey is well under way.

Any heart that beats is a heart that breaks.

Yet after it breaks, it keeps beating.

All hearts stop beating on day, giving us a break from heart break

Perhaps in death we are united with the ultimate love- freed from our bodies, our spirits cannot help but melt together with all.

We will have to wait and see.

In the mean time, I am blessed to travel alongside him. I wouldn’t appreciate his humor, his body, his sweet gentle ways, if I had not known you first. I see how the pieces fit together, revealing beauty and perfection.

HPV

She told me that I have HPV

Human papilloma virus: the ghost of ex-partners past came back to haunt me

I want to line up my exes: the awkward horn-bag teens, the sex clients who shortchanged and stole from me, the abusive drunks, dramatic douchebags, one-night-too-long one night stands, and interrogate them whodunnit.

I will never know, of course

I may have gotten HPV from dreadful fingering, though it was probably from unprotected intercourse

Intercourse most likely undesired, as most of the sex I’ve had was unwanted by me

It could have been worse, at least it was only HPV which I contracted after riding bareback on so many dozens of dicks- I don’t know now many men have slept with me, but any one of them could have easily given me HIV, somehow I was spared

God, you were there

Kids, don’t try this at home

I tell my cervix to hang in there, I will make it up to you, treat you right

My ex-boyfriends aimed and fired at my cervix: the bullseye of my reproductive tract

Whether I got HPV long ago or from my most recent mistake, it is in me now and I may lose a piece of me in a LEEP if I don’t overcome this virus

My LEEP will be a leap of faith that I will regrow intact and complete, heal myself and still have the power to create and give my baby a better life than mine

That is the goal in all I do, even the abortions I’ve endured were to make a better future for my children than the hell I’ve lived through

So listen little virus, I am a strong, powerful giant and I will destroy you

I’ve survived too much to be taken down by the likes of you- senseless double-strand of DNA who has consumed too many of my sisters, lost to the sands of time

You won’t take me, the war is on and it got personal

There is no way I’m going to let one of those awful men leave a lasting lesion on my body

I am the supreme iron dragon goddess warrior, and my healing potential is infinite

My abilities to love and forgive and understand are among my many strengths

Watch out, virus, watch out

Instead of spreading you to someone new, I will melt you with my amazing body, take you down with my brilliant immune system

You will no longer struggle to survive, you will unite with the Spirit which flows through all things, and you will flow right out of me in peace