Basement

If I were a guy

I wouldn’t have to choose which pregnancy lives and which dies

I wouldn’t have to lie

To keep my body balanced precariously over a precipice of shame

I wouldn’t have to remain silent about my pain

If I were a guy

I wouldn’t widen the depths of a woman’s trauma by asking her about the depths of her trauma

I wouldn’t judge a woman on the depth of her trauma

If I were a guy

Life would be simple and easy

You ask me about every fuck and every fetus, like it is your business

It is not your business

Do you really want to know about the countless rapes I’ve endured

Not just at the hands of guys

Girls and women, my own mother was the mother of all trauma

Do you want me to describe what it feels like to have your inside pried open and the most vulnerable part of you wounded, scraped raw as you sacrifice the new life you desired, the miracle at your core from another night as a whore

Left to wonder forever unknowing what might have been, who they might have been

It was enough for me to cut the ties

From guys I didn’t want in my life

I cheated on every last one of them, a string of infidelity leading to you

Why do you want to hear that, what would it do?

Maybe then you’d know who you married

But I’m trying to build a new life, live my best life, start anew with a clean slate, move with you to a new state

I don’t want to lie anymore, don’t want to hide anymore, but let me be myself or I’ll show you the door even though it will break me even more

Try as I might by inviting drama into my life, I am unbreakable

You try to crack me not knowing that I’ve been practicing for this my whole life

I’m sorry you are a part of my web of lies but let’s make the best of it I don’t want any more terrible surprises, even as I plant these words like a bomb under the floor.

Triggers are an invitation to see what is in the basement

My heart is in the basement but even our basement has a plant growing where the concrete is cracked

I’m trying to be that plant, don’t hold me back