Anxiety

Anxiety, my oldest companion, always by my side

Anxiety

Ball of wirey grey string inside me

Buzzing like an agitated hornet’s nest, threatened and angry

Tangling, strangling, suffocating

Drowning me under dark metal walls rising

Closing in under the pressure of the shadow mountains of never enough

This shifting, terrifying scenery is my home

My neurobiological foundation was not built on safety or security

My mind was melded in the hellfire of anxiety

Flames of self-doubt licking at my heels

Constantly threatening to burn me to the bone

Venomous teeth bared,

My serpent of self-doubt is poised

Ready to strike

That’s how I get through the night

Jaw clenched tight, insomnia punctuated by nightmares

In a lucid dream I fly

In my many travels, I learn a thing or two

I understand now

That my anxiety is my servant,

Trying to protect me

From the many and varied perceived threats

Of my childhood and my adulthood

I breathe in deep

Let my tea steep

Beyond the dragoness serpent, the ring of fire, the charred walls, the mountains holding the howling winds of loneliness,

I see beyond all these horrors

With each breath

A bit of sunshine blue shines through

That bright and buoyant sight

That glimpse of the outside, of a new approach to life

Is all I need

To find peace

To hold hope

To savor the long years of hard suffering, mucking through mud

only to realize that my heart is a lotus blossom of healing

I am kneeling in humble gratitude

With each breath,

My serpent uncoils and I see her beauty

My flames simmer down

The earth beneath me settles and breathes with me

My walls fall, overcome by vines

Even my massive mountains of worry breathe,

Lush with Spring

Thank you for your service, anxiety

You can take a break from protecting me

This moment does not have to be a struggle

In an instant, ease breaks through

I breathe and bow to you, anxiety